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Waiting is the scariest thing.

so our first couple's therapy appointment is in 40 minutes.

I'm so nervous. I've come to some huge, huge realizations about myself and what I need to do lately (basically, my triggers are my responsibility and I need to stop letting my unfounded fears affect my actions toward my partner), and I'm trying to put those into practice. I've been reading about DBT and distress tolerance and am actively working to accept my emotions but not let them dictate what they do. Mindfulness is hard guys! This is all great, but I am just so scared that it won't be enough. GreenHunk and I almost did break up on Sunday and he told me he is unhappy and has been for a few months. I think he's unhappy because of the climate of our relationship - it's seemed tenuous for awhile - and because of how I've expressed my fear, which I get - having to make huge allowances for someone else's unfounded fears all the time is not going to be easy, and isn't really fair, and I'm going to do my best to end it now. So I know I'm committed to doing what it takes. And I guess he probably is too or he wouldn't be going to therapy with me right now. But all the parts of my brain that already struggle with fear of abandonment are on hyperalert right now. I'm so, so scared that no matter what I do it will not be enough and it's just me that has made him unhappy (even though this is in direct contradiction to what he's actually said, and what his best friend corroborated when I asked for advice). Anyways, I'm just going to use this as an opportunity to work on mindfulness and letting my fear be here without controlling me. Wish me luck! I don't think GreenHunk is really looking forward to therapy either. He's kind of one of those people who thinks therapy isn't for him, I think - which probably says even more about his willingness to go!

also sorry this post is very rambly and probably doesn't make a lot of sense. My anxiety level is much higher than normal now (stupid brain!)


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