I do not understand flirting. I do not recognise it when it is aimed in my direction, nor do I know how to engage in it. I cannot distinguish between actual flirting that implies interest on a sexual/romantic level and friendly friend-banter.

Because of this, I am going to die alone, surrounded by iguanas (I'm allergic to cats) who will eat my flesh after I choke on an oraganically-grown, locally-sourced lentil.

Since I am incapable of flirting and am going to die alone, there are certain experiences I will never have.


1) I will never experience sex that is enjoyable. I was married for 15 years and have two children, but I have never actually had sex that was about both people. It was only ever about him. I was simply a fucktoy with a pulse. So, in some ways I consider myself still a virgin. And, because I cannot understand flirting and will therefore never go out on a date again, I will remain in the dark as to why people think sex is so cool.

2) I will never have a good kiss ever again. I know that they CAN be enjoyable, since there was that one girl in sixth grade. But she was the last actual good kiss I've had. Asshole's kisses didn't exactly light my fire. Especially since he spent most of the time telling me how I was doing it wrong.


3) I will never go out on an actual date ever again. I went out on exactly one date before Asshole, and then he and I went out on exactly one date before it was just hanging out at his place all the time. I would like to experience an actual date, even if it's a crappy one. Because I am incapable of flirting, I will never be asked out and therefore never have an actual date.


4) You know that thing you always read about in books, where just thinking about that particular someone, or having him smile at you or touch you accidentally makes your stomach do flips and your insides go all gooey? I never realized that was something that people actually physically feel. I don't know what I thought it was, but I never realized it was an actual physical thing that you can feel in your actual physical body. I had never experienced it. But Schroeder smiles at me and I get it. But, because I don't recognise flirting and can't figure out how to do it I have no idea if he's actually flirting with me on occasion or if he's just being friend-like, and I can't tell if he's in any way interested, and if he thinks I may be interested, or if I've just got him completely confused. Probably that last one. This is me, EVERY INTERACTION:

In conclusion: