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Wedding Drama Pt. 2

So, remember when I wrote about the matron of honor who was starting all the drama?

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Well. My response to her was basically "I don't agree with what you did so I can't give you sympathy, but I don't want to be in the middle and I still care about you," She kept pushing me about it and I finally told her I thought she was in the wrong, but the most harsh thing I said was that she did, in fact, blow off the bride, and that she needed to take responsibility for having screwed up. I was very clear that I still cared about her and didn't want to hurt her and that I did sympathize with all the difficulties in her life. I talked to her last on Monday.

Today I open my facebook to find this literally delusional letter:

Dear {greenheart},

I was going to wait until after the wedding to send this, but it looks like I have to address this now. (Why? Oh right, because she can't go two days without being the center of attention, even to let the bride have a peaceful wedding day.)

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I've been thinking a lot about what you said, how I'm not taking responsibility for myself and trying to blame other people for bad things that happen to me (I did not ever say this).

And I realized it's not true. At all. I have always taken responsibility for my life. I may not have like it, but that's not the point.

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The fact is that no matter how much you and {bride} try to pigeon hole me into this position where I'm absolutely wrong and she's absolutely right (which again is not remotely close to anything I ever said), I've decided that it absolutely doesn't matter what you and her think about me. What you and {bride} think of me is none of my business. I don't care.

I know that I'm not a bad person and I know that I'm not worthless. (Something I've affirmed to her over and over again.) The truth is I am much, much better than that. I have always tried to be a good, loyal friend to everyone and support them in everything they do.

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That being said, as much as you say you support me and care about my well being, I don't think you do. You purposefully brought up old baggage at a time where it was entirely inappropriate to do so. It's obvious you still hold a grudge against me over what happened during my wedding and you still expect me to bend over backwards to be sorry for it. (I brought up what happened at her wedding specifically to try to get her to see the bride's perspective, not to be vindictive, and I was very, very clear about the fact that I'm not angry about what happened at her wedding.) I have apologized to you multiple times for things that I have done, and I thought that it was the end of it. You've also brought up old baggage within our friendship, and almost all of it has been monetary. (I literally do not know what she's talking about. I have never brought up money to her.) Which brought me to the conclusion that you base a high monetary value on your friendships, and so does {bride}. If you lend money to someone and they can't pay you back, and you know that they can't, you do it anyway, and then get mad when they're too broke to pay you. (no idea what she's talking about. I don't loan her money because I know she won't pay me back and have never been upset that she hasn't paid me back for what I do give her.) I've lent money to {bride} and I've never asked for it back, and I never will. That isn't to say you should enable people, who constantly leech money from you, but I don't do that (anymore. She used to do it constantly.) I have not once asked you to lend me money since we became friends again. I did not ask you to pay for the bridal shower. I did not even ask for help with the bridal shower, You volunteered your time and money, and then you turn around and tell me I'm more or less ungrateful. (so I was just supposed to sit back and watch her not throw the bridal shower she promised to throw? That wouldn't have been fair to the bride.) I feel like there's an actual price on our friendship, when that type of thing generally shouldn't matter (again, never even brought up money, despite the fact that it can be irritating to have to pay for everything to be friends with someone). It would be one thing if I was constantly asking you for money, large sums of it, and never paying you back, but I'm not doing that, so the point is moot. (Oh, so if you expect someone to buy things for you constantly that's not as terrible as asking for money specifically. I get it.)

And then there's this whole wedding crap. The general gist is that I haven't helped {bride} enough and she doesn't think I find her important or that her feelings are important. First off, I did try to help her. Every time I asked what she wanted help with, she blew me off and told me she was too depressed. (The bride does suffer from depression, but I still managed to do a lot of stuff, so I don't know why that matters.) So I stopped asking because she had also said that she had it handled and didn't need the help. It's not my fault she didn't confide to me that she really couldn't. It's not my fault she decided to confide in you instead. (Confide what?) You and {bride} both set me up for failure as a matron of honor, to be honest. (what?????) Of course, you are going to say that I'm not taking responsibility for myself and I'm putting the blame all on you. Again, I don't care if that's what you think or not. This is the truth of the matter. (I don't think that word means what you think it means.) I can't drop the ball if I'm not given a ball to begin with. {Bride} says that she created facebook events that I responded to and agreed to go on. I see no evidence of this. Even so, on the occasion she would create appointments/events, she would often create them only days in advance, and I have to work. I am not taking more time off than I already have, when it's an appointment. She should have spoken to me first. But, again, more moot points.

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And then when {her husband} talked to {groom} after {bride} and I fought, he had heard. in the background and from {groom}, that you were showing {bride} all messages and texts. You have outright lied to me. You said she had just been looking over your shoulder. (I was at the bride's house when the fight went down, she sent me a two-sentence facebook message, and the bride looked over my shoulder. I told her this. I'm really not sure why she thinks I lied about anything.) The conversation in question, about the epiphany, was awhile ago. Why would you have it up in the first place, if not to show her about it? (this is in reference to her making fun of the bride for a really important emotional breakthrough she'd had recently, and I did tell the bride that it sort of bothered me that this girl was acting disrespectfully toward the bride's breakthrough but I did not show the bride the actual message.) {Groom} also had said that {bride} was taking steps to make you maid of honor instead of me (what he said was, when she hadn't purchased the dress a week before the wedding, the bride assumed she might try to drop out, but I am still not the maid of honor - the bride had a maid of honor, her sister, and a matron of honor, and she is only retaining her sister as maid of honor). So you and {bride} have been setting me up for failure for awhile, and more or less have been planning to sabotage me this entire time. You've purposefully left me out of wedding planning, while taking over the entire process with {bride}. (WHAT.) And on {bride's} part, expecting me to fork over well over $500 for her wedding is ridiculous. I never asked that of my bridal party, much less my maid of honor. I did not pick an insanely expensive dress, I did not ask anyone to pay over $100 for a bridal shower, because mine didn't cost that much, I guarantee you, and my bachelorette party cost maybe a few dollars in supplies. (The "insanely expensive" dress was chosen specifically because this girl is more than 100 pounds overweight and very, very self-conscious about it, so the bride wanted to choose a dress that wouldn't make her feel bad in photos. The bride also told her to choose a different dress in matching colors if she would prefer. Nothing was over $500. Her husband was in the wedding party too and their combined outfits were about $350. I am also willing to bet that her bridal shower and bachelorette parties were significantly more expensive than she realizes - she is wildly out of touch about money.) The fact that you and her expected me to pay several hundred dollars for those two events is absolutely ridiculous, especially when you are aware that I work two jobs and have a child. (I didn't expect anything of her except to give me advance notice that she couldn't do things on her own, honestly.)

It's not that I didn't care about {bride's} wedding. I cared very much. I wanted, and still want, her to have a special day. But there have to be boundaries. You cannot treat someone like crap just because it's your wedding. Exploding and losing your temper, for whatever reason, is never okay. (By this she means that the bride dared to tell her she was upset when she specifically asked.) She doesn't value my honesty that much, and when I tried to be honest with her and disagree with her she accused me of being like her mother and trying to manipulate and judge her. Which if she wants to think that, fine.

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The point I'm trying to get at here is that whatever you and {bride} think of me doesn't, and won't, dictate my life or how I feel about myself. You've been hiding under this guise that you're trying to help me, and be sympathetic to my feelings, but at the same time telling me my feelings aren't as important as her wedding. Weddings are not more important than friends. That is a mistake I made with you, but two wrongs don't make a right here. And I think, honestly, that part of the reason this is happening is because you are still holding what happened during my wedding against me, and this is your way of getting back at me. You want to replace me as matron of honor because that's what I did to you. (WHAT. THE. FUCK. I don't even know what to say to this. So I've been plotting this this whole time, in her head, apparently.) I see you've gotten what you want, so good for you. Of course, you and {bride} will probably read over this message and assume I'm crazy, and use it as proof that you were right all along and that I don't accept responsibility, and I'm laying all the blame on you two. And I don't care. (well. she's definitely not doing herself any favors.)

I'm not even angry anymore. I'm not angry at you. I'm not angry at {bride}. {Bride} is the way she is as a direct result of her mother. She learned the patterns of behavior from her mom, and it's sad. But I can't help her. I can't change her. Only she can. I can't change anybody. But I can certainly change myself and take charge of my life, and be more honest with people.

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So this is me being honest with you: I cannot be friends with you after this. I can't trust you to hold anything I say in confidence. You've told me that you don't want me to make you choose, but I didn't make you choose anything. You made up your mind months ago, and you obviously chose {bride} before any of this even culminated. I wanted to be friends with you so much, and fought and put my own marriage on the line to be friends with you (because her husband apparently hates me because I wouldn't pay for her to take a trip out of town 4 years ago). Because I thought you were that important that it was worth the strain on my marriage to let you back into my life. (guilt trip anyone?) Instead you lied to my face, told me my feelings and struggle with depression weren't nearly as important as another friends' happiness. and tried to warp me into believing that I've been nothing but selfish this whole time. In a way I think you and {bride} have done me a real favor, because this drama, this incessant catty behavior, is absolutely toxic. I've never had the problems I've had with you and her with any of my other friends. (Let's be brutally honest - that's because she doesn't HAVE any other friends. Everyone she thinks is her friend secretly doesn't consider her a friend in return.) And putting my mental health and sanity before a friend's wedding isn't selfish. I can't help anyone if I can't help myself. and I can't help myself if I'm around this kind of toxicity. So I am going to end this cycle and remove myself from this situation, and focus on my family and making my life better. And putting my family and finances first does not make me a bad person, or a bad friend. It's unfortunate timing, but my finances are frankly nobody's business.

You've also been telling {bride} that I've been going around to all the bridesmaids and telling them horrible lies about {bride}. The only bridesmaid I have talked to is YOU. (I have no idea what she's talking about. Literally no idea. I definitely did not say or think that she was telling lies about anyone.) Why on earth would I talk to the bridesmaids about my problems with her when all of them are {bride's} friends? That's stupidity. She already thinks I'm the bad guy and you are only perpetuating the problem.

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I am sorry I wasn't more up front, and honest about my feelings, but like you said, mistakes don't make me a bad person. I do think that even if I had been up front, it probably wouldn't have made much of a difference because every time that I have been honest I've gotten nothing but trouble for it. It's hard to be honest with people that lose their temper with you every time you try. And I don't care whose wedding it is, I absolutely do not deserve to be treated like that. I've been a part of plenty of other weddings where it hasn't ended like this. (to my knowledge she's actually never been in another wedding.)

In the end I have to take care of myself. And my family. And this is something that I think you and {bride} fundamentally do not understand: {bride} cannot be my number one priority. My number one priority is my son. (She sure doesn't act like it. And no one expected her to make the bride any sort of priority, just be honest about what she couldn't do and not try to take credit for having done it when she didn't.) My family will always have precedence in my life, it doesn't matter who you are. She expected me to drop everything and spend every spare dime I had on her, and that is such a completely unrealistic expectation of a friend that it's borderline psychotic. And another thing that you two fundamentally do not understand: No matter how similar your experiences are, you do not know exactly how someone feels (this is word for word what I actually said to her). You do not live in their skin, you are not with someone 24/7, you have not experienced the same things from their point of view, therefore to say that you know exactly how someone feels and how they must be experiencing something is absurd (never said that). And to judge someone based on how you have experienced something is also absurd.

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I know you've come a long way, and that you've struggled with self hatred and you are trying to advise me on it, but reading a bunch of self help books does not make you a therapist. (well, I never pretended to be that...) Because the fact that you continue to perpetuate drama (what the fuck???? I've tried everything in the entire universe to AVOID drama with this girl, including not expressing my own anger when I was justifiably pissed), just as {bride} continues to perpetuate drama, between the three of us, tells me that you haven't learned enough. And I refuse to be a part of this circle, and a part of these friendships, and I refuse to perpetuate the drama further. I am just tired. I won't be a part of more immature behavior (lol), so yes, I am willingly withdrawing myself from these friendships. I have willingly taken myself out of {bride's} wedding. It is absolutely my choice. I am fully aware of what I am telling you. I am not blaming my life problems on you and {bride}, but I will go so far as to say that as much as you say I don't take responsibility for everything that has happened, neither have the two of you. And the only thing I will take responsibility for is not being honest with my feelings a long time ago. Everything else is just part of a giant pissing contest and I won't continue to be a part of it.

I wish that our friendship could have worked out, and that it didn't have to end like this, but that's the way things are. I don't want a response to this. I don't want any phone calls or texts or explanations. I don't need to hear it. I am going to continue with my life, and focus on things that are important. Do not attempt to contact me ever again.

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End crazy.

Well. All I have to say is, if she tries to change her mind and be friends with me again sometime in the future, I will laugh at her.

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