Pets are weird little @ssholes.

We have this dumpster cat, who I call (semi)-affectionately Sh*tty K*tty. He’s smarter than any cat has a right to be and uses his wits for evil. (You guys will have to trust me on this one. I know Team Cat is like, “All cats are part douchebag,” and that’s true. This cat takes it about ten levels past what is normal.)

He came with the husband, and I don’t enjoy living with him (the cat), but I’m committed to making sure he has a good life, etc. etc., and love him as much as you can love an aggressive, bossy and selfish orange roommate. So when we got home from our trip last week and he was suddenly drooling HUGE FUCKING STRANDS OF DROOL that dripped FROM HIS ORANGE CHIN TO THE PILLOWS, I was concerned. We’re talking two and three inch strands of drool.

Apparently when cats become hyperdroolers, they may have:

  • dental disease/abscess teeth
  • cancer
  • nervous system shutdown
  • or they’re just happy

He’s older and the drooling was new, so we took him to the vet. Six tests and about a thousand dollars later, he does not have cancer. He does need a teeth cleaning, but there’s nothing to indicate an abscess tooth or more serious issues. His nervous system appears to work fine.

He’s 13 years old and he’s just decided he’s a fucking happy drooler. We have officially spent over five thousand dollars (lifetime emergency medical care, not just today) on a feral kitten that my husband pulled from the trash.

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Meanwhile, I fell off of a sidewalk and reinjured a weak ankle. The bruise is amazing, the swelling is impressive, and I’ve been walking with a severe limp for almost three weeks. The puppy discovered my injury today, and has spent the last forty-five minutes very focused on licking the ankle. I think she’s trying to clean my wound?

She has also discovered begging. But instead of just sitting there and staring until I get the hint, like every other normal dog in the world, she sits in front of you, stares, and then barks until she gets her way or until you yell. (And then you have five minutes before the process begins again. She is very persistent.)

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What kind of wackadoo b.s. are your pets doing this week, GT?