I'm writing about this here because it is making me so uncomfortable I don't even know if I want to tell my therapist about it/how I would even tell her. I'm probably going to delete it eventually, but I just need to talk to someone about it.

I have a weird relationship with sex, one I'm working to make healthier. I grew up very religious and waited until I was 20 to lose my virginity, in large part because I didn't know I could get access to birth control without my parents finding out. The first person I was with wasn't someone I was attracted to. The second person was my abusive ex. Other than a few short things that never meant anything, GreenHunk is the only person I've ever had the opportunity for healthy sex with.

I'm also bisexual. I know I definitely am, but all of my bisexual encounters have taken place in the context of being pressured from guys/threeway situations where someone I was dating pushed my boundaries and wanted to be with someone else in front of me. They were all very hard and traumatizing for me because of that. The Abusive Asshole cheated on me a lot and constantly talked about having threesomes with all of my friends. This is definitely not my current situation: GreenHunk and I have talked extensively about it, and he has told me he doesn't care if I'm with someone else and he watches (which the truth is he would really like it but I just realized that), but he has no desire to ever cheat on me and little to no desire to sleep with someone else even if I'm present. Although I'm really turned on by the idea of being with a woman, it also makes me so anxious that it has just never come up. Since I'm still cleaning up the remnants of having such an unhealthy past, we decided a long time ago to shelve it for the time being and talk about it again, someday in the nebulous future.

A couple weeks ago we had a party that turned into a shirtless party (we were all sober). This isn't a big deal, nudity is just a thing that happens at my house and it isn't necessarily sexual. But there was this girl there who I had just met, and she was obviously really into me. She's one of GreenHunk's buddies from school and he's told me he's not attracted to her at all but likes her as a person. I think she's totally hot though. And well, we were all shirtless and she asked if she could lick my nipple. GreenHunk was there and totally didn't care. I was totally confused and said yes and it was really hot but then I wasn't sure what I had done and sort of almost had a mini freakout. But I decided it was okay, it just shouldn't happen again until I figure out things. I didn't really talk to her about it afterwards except to say it wasn't a big deal but I was confused.

On Saturday basically the same thing happened, but it was at a huge party, with a bunch of people I didn't know, and it was her and another girl touching me, and I was really drunk and it happened really fast and then she was making out with me. My bra came off before anyone even asked if they could, although they did ask before they started touching me. And GreenHunk was obviously really turned on by it which freaked me out and I was like okay I need a minute and grabbed him and went into the bathroom and started crying. I was saying stuff like, how come you are never that turned on by just me, what's wrong with me, why aren't I good enough? (which, backstory, GreenHunk has been kind of stressed out for the past few months because it's his first term in school and he has a lot of homework, and his sex drive has taken a dive, and my self esteem with it....we're working on it.) Which of course he was like, I wouldn't be turned on if it wasn't you, you were obviously enjoying it. And I believe him. GreenHunk has his flaws, but cheating and lying aren't among them. I've been told individually by every one of his friends that they don't think he would ever cheat on me. I felt pretty awful. We had a good talk actually, and he was really honest with me which is good, but I still feel pretty shaken up about the whole thing, which I also know is utterly illogical. No one is mad at me, I didn't break any rules in the relationship. I just feel...I don't know, like I subconsciously believe that anything sexual with anyone but your primary partner is like Fundamentally Wrong (probably from the way I was raised) and even if he says he's okay with it he really isn't. And/or I might not be.


And then on top of that, the person whose birthday party it was (one of my good friends) is in this sort of interesting relationship with boundaries that sort of move a lot, but I know that they have a hard and fast no having sex without the other person there policy for the time being, and my roommate, who stayed overnight at the party, told me he had sex with someone else while she was asleep. I'm pretty sure he'll tell her, but I feel like it's my responsibility to tell her if he doesn't, and I'm feeling really really sick about it. I've been incredibly anxious ever since this happened, which was Saturday night.

Tl;dr: Anything that isn't 100% monogamy makes me feel really triggered, and I know it's stupid but I don't know how to get over it. Oh, and although my therapist is fantastic and has helped me loads and loads, I sense that she is uncomfortable talking with me about my sex life. Maybe I should go to a therapist that specializes in sexual issues?