I just received a strange bit of spam in my company's customer service inbox. It was initially troubling but after checking the wording on the internet I found a bunch of people received the same email. I decided to fuck with the spammer.

This is what I received by one Kathie Kerns:

"Hello, I am writing in an unusual case … Some time ago, I used your services, and one of your employees face was familiar to me. At dinner with my wife, it turned out that he was a burglar, who 5 years ago broke into our home!!! This is ridiculous!!! How you can hire criminals? I found at least 3 bad entries for him at website for background check!! I am sure there are more!!! Please do something about it, things like that are ridiculous!!!"

Things like that are ridiculous, indeed!!! I'm happy Kathie and her wife live in a state where their love can be legally recognized. The strange thing is that the email isn't asking me to do anything besides look into it, not click on whatever link or download whatever virus. It could be one of those fishing spam messages that is just trying to goad you into replying so they know there is a living body attached to a given email address. Either way, I decided to engage, as its been a long time since I've fucked with anyone on the internet.

From one of my troll accounts, Ms. Pam Mandelopes (she's usually more of a bitch):

"Dear Kathie,

I received your message about my employees and their criminal records, and I apologize for any distress you and your wife may have experienced. Had I known one of my employees had burglarized your home I would have certainly not sent him to entertain for you. At Big Lou's Meat Spinnaz we believe that adult entertainment should be a fun and even healing experience, and I can understand how much it must have troubled you to see the man who burgled your house again in your home, nude and dancing.

Big Lou's Meat Spinnaz is also about second chances, and some of our employees have extensive criminal backgrounds, as your searches have found. But the entertainers that we employ are all trying to turn their lives around the only way they know how: spinning their half hard penises around like a helicopter blade. Big Lou's Meat Spinnaz is honored to help in the rehabilitation process.

We would like to refund the dance as you did not find it enjoyable. Please send me your bank account information so I can wire you the $400 amount. Alternatively we could schedule another of our dancers to entertain you and your wife.

Kind Regards,

Pam Mandelopes

CEO, Big Lou's Meat Spinnaz"

I'll update if they respond.