Last night, I spent the night at an ex's place, got drunk, watched bad movies, threw up my allergy pills, slept until 3, then couldn't find my glasses, like the Velma that I am. In my defense, I started drinking while watching Underworld Awakening. Here are my reviews of Underworld Awakening and Redshirts.

Underworld Awakening: a half-remembered review

I probably missed about 30 minutes of this movie, because the ex wanted to put sheets on the bed that weren't sullied by cat hair. This of course meant that he took the sheets off the bed, put a fitted sheet down on the bed for a moment, and the cat took the opportunity to rub herself all over the sheets and then climb inside them. This eventually resulted in the "I am a monster inside the sheet and I will eat you" game, in which I was repeatedly eaten. I have scratches and bite marks. Such a good kitty. Anyway, the ex was low on liquor so he took a walk up to the store while I played with the cat and watched the movie.

So here's the premise: The Vampires and Lycans have been exposed to the humans and the humans band together to eliminate the "infected," ie Vampires and Lycans. Sexy Lady Vampire and her hybrid boyfriend are captured because the humans know that he is a hybrid and they want to experiment on him. They are cryogenically frozen for 12 years.


Sexy Lady Vampire is defrosted and breaks out of the cryogenic chamber because for some reason, it's not actually designed to restrict the movement of a non-frozen superhuman. She looks over to the refrigerator, which holds a shelf of samples, a shelf of samples, and goth boots. The fridge next to it has a shelf of samples, a corset standing upright in a position that defies gravity so that you can see that it's a corset, and a shelf of samples. She breaks the glass fridge doors to free her goth boots and corset (they did not appear to be locked). Sirens are going off, guys with guns are running around, she's walking around barefoot on broken cryogenic chamber glass, the lab techs are filling the room with "fentanyl gas," and people are trying to kill her, so of course, suddenly she is wearing a full body latex catsuit, a corset, and the aforementioned goth boots.

Now this is where I start drinking heavily, because it would take two people half an hour to get that outfit on her. Apparently, sexy vampires have superhuman dressing abilities that in no way harm the clothing. Spoiler: some counting systems start at 0. Dunn dunn dunnnnnnnnn.


Redshirts: a review of a yet unfinished book


I've been reading Scalzi's blog for a while because he does shit like this, writes kickass feminist ally posts, refuses to appear at any convention that doesn't have an acceptable harassment policy in place, and is generally hilarious. I don't read a lot of books anymore, but I'd been meaning to pick up Redshirts for a while. Then came news that FX has purchased the rights to make it a miniseries. Then I was looking to buy myself a present in the mall before meeting up with Cute Boy Person for the opera, and I stumbled upon a toy store that had the book on sale for $5.

It was so hilarious that as I sat in the food court, I felt the need to transcribe a section via text message to a friend of mine and read the section to CBP when he got there. This is it:

Dahl kept his face very still. Q'eeng had just attempted in the third dialect the traditional rightward schism greeting of "I offer you the bread of life," but his phrasing and accent had transmuted the statement into "Let us violate cakes together."


My immediate response? NEW GROUPTHINK TAGLINE. This is the 12th page of the book. I started recommending it to people during the prologue. I'm 200 pages in now and I just love love love this book. It does not require copious amounts of alcohol just to get past the logical infeasibility of putting on a latex catsuit in seconds.