Just left the hearing. It was brutal, y'all. Really, really brutal. I got super triggered when the head of the panel read out some sexually explicit stuff. I basically had a huge panic attack, started bawling, and had to flee the room.
I also got very angry at the amount of lies being spread, namely:
- there has to be a power differential between two people for it to count as sexual harassment & because we were colleagues, it couldn't have been sexual harassment
- because of her recent transition to being a woman, she couldn't have sexually harassed me (and every other female-bodied student in the department because she's a woman, too)
It's so exhausting guys. Everything is piling on at once. I have a midterm tomorrow that I haven't even begun to study for. I had some medical bills come in that were unexpected. Everything feels like it's crumbling. I'm emotionally wrecked, exhausted, have gobs and gobs of classwork, have no money, have no friends here, and am in a weird tense stand-off with my research advisor.
NEED BOOZE. NEED SLEEP.
PS: Thank you to everyone who sent me kind messages. I wrote out a list of kind things people have told me and affirmations and read it out to myself repeatedly during the hearing to keep me going. That, and xanax.