Anyone dying to hear about some drama? You've come to the right place. I cheated on my boyfriend. No mainpage...obviously. This is going to be long.

Backstory: We've been together 7 years. Since I was 18. We've been having a lot of problems for the last year โ€” or I guess I should say, we've had certain problems from the very beginning of our relationship, and in the last year or so they became too much for me to handle. These are foundational issues, not inconsequential shit like he leaves his socks in the wrong place. These are issues that make me unable to trust him or have faith in him, and issues that make me feel like he doesn't truly care about me. I've been feeling really, really, really lonely. We've been over these issues time and time again and he always says he'll do better but he hasn't really made the effort. But he's my family and despite all this shit, I love him so much, so I've stayed, hoping it'll change (ha, even as I write that, I know how trite it sounds).

He knows all this. He knows that things have been bad. He knows that he has been treating me badly and that he needed to do better. He knows that in the last two months, I got so fed up that I went and lined up a new apartment for myself so I could move out.

We talked about it and he said he wanted to change. He said he could and would do better. I told him not to tell me this unless he actually meant it, unless he was actually really going to try; I fucking begged him not to say he's going to try unless he meant it, and to let me go if he didn't want to or wasn't able to do it. He said he wanted to, so I cancelled my moving out plans. Then he went straight into 3 weeks of treating me worse than he had been before.

I know โ€” this is the part where I should have left. But I had been so on the fence for so long, it felt like a relief to have committed to trying, to getting off that fence so to speak. In my heart, I stopped thinking about leaving, and became ready to do what it took to fix this relationship, because that's what I've always wanted more than anything. But he kept on doing the same shit as always, and I kept on getting upset, asking him to do better, and hoping he'd finally see the fucking light of day.

On Friday night I went out after a long, shitty work week. He was supposed to come with me, but we got in a big fight on the phone beforehand โ€” he was basically being a stubborn jerk and yelling at me over something ridiculous. I told him not to come out, that I just wanted to have fun and I didn't want to deal with anything negative that night.

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Then I went out with friends and got rip roaringly drunk. I probably shouldn't have considering how upset I was. And then I made The Mistake. There was a guy out with us, a peripheral friend, someone who isn't close to any of my main friend group. He's cute, funny, smart, and he was trying. I was so drunk โ€” so was he. And I gave in. We made out a little, went back to his place, made out some more, and we started to have sex, but I stopped it pretty damn quickly. I felt like a piece of shit. Went home.

I told my boyfriend first thing in the morning. I'll never forget his face, I'll never forget how he was being so nice to me right beforehand and then everything changed. Telling him was the hardest thing to do, but I knew I had to do it. He got so mad, so upset, so hurt. He left. I haven't seen him since that morning except for one time when he came home to get some clothes. He won't answer my calls or texts. I know he is staying with friends so I'm glad he's safe but I'm completely shut out. Which I can understand.

Where am I at with this now? I feel horrible. Awful. Ashamed of myself for doing something like this. In 7 years I have never touched anybody else. There's only ever been one time where I was even *properly* attracted to someone and I didn't let ANYTHING happen. In one stupid drunken night, I became a cheater. I hate myself for it and don't recognize myself.

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I feel horrible for putting my boyfriend through this. I hate that I hurt him so badly. I hate it. I am worrying for him, sad for him, missing him, wishing he would come home...I love him. Despite it all. And I can't believe I did this to someone I love.

And yet...and yet. It was wrong, yes. I was wrong. It was a terrible thing to do. But I understand why I did it. I'm not actually a cheater. I'm not someone who has always been out looking for a piece on the side. I tried so many times to tell him that I NEEDED him to do better, that he was losing me, that I desperately wanted to stay but I desperately needed him to be a better partner. I have been so sad and so lonely. And I made a mistake. This cheating was a direct result of our relationship being in such a bad place. And he played a pretty damn big role in things getting so bad.

Right now I don't think he's ready to see it that way. Right now all he sees is the big A across my forehead. Right now it's easier for him to place the blame on me. It makes it easy, clear cut..I'm the bad guy.

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What do I want now? Well, I still want to work it out with him. I know that probably sounds stupid. But like I said, I committed to trying to make it work, before I threw a huge wrench into it. I still want that. But I don't know if he does. I don't know if he'll want to forgive me for cheating and work on fixing things.

I do know this...if he decides not to leave, this can't be an instance of me groveling constantly and just blaming myself and catering to him. If he decides to stay, it has to be because he understands his role in how our relationship reached this rock bottom. It has to be because he finally sees just how bad of a place we were in (and I can't believe that it took this for him to see it when I've been painting a clear picture of it all along), and wants to fix it. This is what I want. I just hope that after he has some space and gets to a better emotional place, he will want that too.

I've been really sad since it happened. Today I'm angry. I'm angry at myself for being so fucking stupid. I'm angry and ashamed of myself for cutting down our relationship this way. I'm angry and devastated that I did what I did to us. I'm angry at him for not hearing me all these years and letting things get this bad. I'm angry at him for refusing to see how he contributed to things coming to a head like this. I'm angry at him for leaving me alone and in the dark and not bothering to communicate with me at all for 4 days now.

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I'm angry and sad and ashamed and alone. Thanks for listening, GT.