tw medicine.

New Therapist finally got me to talk about my body flash backs and then I mentioned it was hard to keep track of because I have other pain that aren't flash backs. that I don't want to think about it, because I'll have to do something about it and it wouldn't matter because no would believe me anyway. She coaxed it out of me.

I told her about how before surgery I never needed to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Now if I don't wake myself up I'll be in horrible pain. If I hold it too long it hurts more than ever before and the pain doesn't go away if I relieve myself. The same thing happens with bowel movements and I feel both in my Uterus. It's really painful. That I suspected that all three had become connected after my fibroids were removed. I didn't mention that it's really difficult for me to orgasm without pain either.

She told me to take care of myself. I do. I've trained myself to go to the bathroom before I need to go because I don't want the pain. I like sleeping through the night, but now I can't.

She asked me to look up adhesions

So I did.

And here's the info from wikipedia. I know I don't even Pudmed.

"Adhesions are fibrous bands[1] that form between tissues and organs, often as a result of injury during surgery. They may be thought of as internal scar tissue that connects tissues not normally connected."

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....

"Abdominal surgery

A study in Digestive Surgery showed that more than 90% of patients develop adhesions following open abdominal surgery and 55–100% of women develop adhesions following pelvic surgery.[12] Adhesions from prior abdominal or pelvic surgery can obscure visibility and access at subsequent abdominal or pelvic surgery. In a very large study (29,790 participants) published in British medical journal The Lancet, 35% of patients who underwent open abdominal or pelvic surgery were readmitted to the hospital an average of two times after their surgery due to adhesion-related or adhesion-suspected complications.[13] Over 22% of all readmissions occurred in the first year after the initial surgery.[13] Adhesion-related complexity at reoperation adds significant risk to subsequent surgical procedures.[14]"

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I hate when I am fucking right.

Of course another risk they didn't warn me about. YET ANOTHER THING. Another thing that they treated me like I was crazy.

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Just don't have surgery ever because they will never tell you any of the risk. You think you'll get rid of your suffering but it just gets replaced with a different kind.

You'll get dressed up, and be aggressive with your questions and your research and they'll lie and lie. And there is nothing you can do. And no one will believe you because you must have done something wrong. I know that's the PTSD talking, but feels so helpless when I tried so hard to get all the facts and all they did was lie. I feel stupid for thinking I could rationalize with my surgeon. I know I'm not being logical. I'm angry. I'm hurt. It's been 3 years of this shit.

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I feel so betrayed again.

I'll be okay, but I am openly sobbing right now.

I'll do some self care. I hate this shit. It never ends.

I'll pretend to be Batman, at least he gets shit done.

ETA: This was oddly helpful at calming me down.