TW depression, relationship drama, body issues
I reached my breaking point and made one too many snarky remarks today, and now the fella is coming over later so we can have a talk about things.
Things have felt off since his return from his trip. He's not cheating on me, I know that, and he's really busy and stressed out with work. I ask him if there's anything I can do to make his life less stressful, and he shrugs it off. We still see each other on the weekends, but something about the frequency and the associated feelings when we see each other seems to have changed over time.
Winter has been really rough, as I get really bad seasonal affective disorder. I'm more sensitive and insecure about everything. I started a new job a few months back, and the stress levels and time commitment associated with the new job have forced me to stop working out, eat terribly, and subsequently gain back almost all of the 50lbs I lost last year. I try not to let it get me down, but I've pretty much isolated myself from big social gatherings because I just don't feel attractive anymore and nothing looks nice on me.
Since I haven't met a lot of his friends or any of his family, it makes me feel incredibly insecure and sometimes I wonder if he's embarrassed of me. He's very private person, and I've asked him about it, but he doesn't see it as a big deal. My friends were sniffing him out 3 months into the relationship, he maintains that his friends respect his privacy and know better than to bring it up. I've met a small group of them, they weren't very nice to me.
There's something intangible about our interactions that feels less loving than it used to. Our texts back and forth show a couple really happy with each other. But we've gone from seeing each other twice or more a week, relishing spending time together and enjoying morning pillow talk, to him only coming over late at night once a week after his plans with friends are done. Then he usually needs to rush off in the morning to head to the office on the weekend or to run errands. He said he doesn't invite me to things he does with his friends because all they do is drink or go to concerts, neither of which I do. But being compartmentalized in his life feels awful and I feel left out.
This weekend, I asked him what his plans were. He's got a concert Friday night, promised a friend a birthday dinner Saturday night, and agreed to drive a friend to the airport on Sunday afternoon. I don't see where I fit into this at all. I just don't know how he doesn't see that has problematic. When I do see him, it's when he's already tired or stressed after a long day of work, and it's not for long. He no longer kisses me hello or goodbye, and he doesn't initiate affection. I feel like I'm throwing myself at him to get him to react like he's happy to see me at all.
It's tough. I'm sad. Hopefully talking will work some stuff out.