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What A Martini Should Entail: Tales From The Barkeeper.

My job has revamped their happy hour menu, which is great because the old one sucked some serious ass. But instead of doing mixed drinks at a discounted price (like all the bartenders were hoping) they added a handful of martinis.

I don't remember who it was that posted something about what goes in a for real martini, but I do agree that all the new martinis are not the "classic" martinis that take a minute or two to make.
However, I do like living by myself and being employed, so there's not much I can do about it. Except vent.
Listen to me: If there's too many ingredients in a martini, it's not a martini, it's a cocktail. I should not have to add a pinch of pineapple, a splash of mango, a touch of berry, two counts of two juices and three different measurements of alcohol to make a one fucking martini. Now times that by five and then times that by three million because the entire population of my city came in and ordered these damn drinks.

This is how it should have gone:
Guest: "Can I get a martini please?"
Me: "Gin or Vodka?"
Guest: "Vodka."
Me: "On the rocks or straight up?"
Guest: "Straight up. Extra dry."
Me: "Olives? Onions."
Guest: "Olives with bleu cheese."
Me: "Done and done."

See? And then I bust that shit out in under a minute. The new martinis?
Guest: "Ooo! Can I get one of your black-cherry-strawberry-rraspberry-snozberry-pineapple, ultra citrus, lady-in-the-water martinis? But instead of a scoop of pineapple can I can a whisper? And can you do half cranberry juice with a splash of orange instead of half orange with a splash of cranberry? And can I substitute this liquor that will totally fuck up the taste so I'm going to complain and send it back and reorder it but more complicated?"
Me: "...yeah."
Guest's friend: "Oh! Make one for me too!"


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