I'm an anxious mess. I have decided to break up with my boyfriend, mainly because our the majority of time our sexual chemistry is non-existent. I don't know, I think it's me? He just does not turn me on. I have talked about it to him what feels like a million time. I did extra sexy stuff per his request (he did not do any of the sexy stuff per my request, btw.) We also have little to no flirtation (beyond him petting me excessively) and no witty-teasing banter that I adore and miss. This isn't the only reason, I'm highly emotional and feel he is tone-deaf; I feel like the sexual chemistry issue is just a manifestation of a bigger emotional disconnect.

That being said, this has been my longest, most stable relationship. He is sweet to me and I am supportive when he struggles. We make a good team. He's the nicest person I honestly have ever met and it would be sad to lose him.

There also is someone else, sort of. A crush I sort of thought was just in my head became very real when he tried to kiss me/succeeded in confessing adoration at the shit-stirring of a drunk friend of me. (That's a story for when I'm NOT a mess though yall.) I have never cheated or done anything, but this potential something between me and this other person is driving me FUCKING CRAZY. I think about it all the time. I find him so adorable. But we work together. GOD.

I have never been in a relationship over a year. This is my first one that lasted more than 6 months.

So basically, WHY AM I SUCH A MESS? How can I allow these things to happen?? Why am I incapable able to hold it down with someone?????? How did I let things get so deep with someone who I always knew on one level did not get me going sexy-time wise???? GOD. You know, I love me, but I really also fucking hate me.