Crap. My therapist is out of town and I have which I've identified as this: My greatest strength lies in my ability to marry my powerful intellect with my equally powerful (if not more so) emotional sensitivity. The synergy between the two aspects of myself is really unusual, very flexible, and highly marketable. I have the ability to understand, build and communicate the emotional bones behind a business strategy, and the strategic bones of a creative execution. I do my best work when I'm emotionally engaged because that's when my intellect is at the peak of its powers (and vice-verse).
HOWEVER...when one of those parts gets bruised (usually my emotions), my intellect shuts down. It has been my achilles heel for as long as I can remember, and has always dogged me. My job right now is total dramarama. I can't get into details, but there's a lot going on, (none of which I'm directly involved with, thank god) and I can feel my emotions building. I'm starting to feel that old sense of betrayal and injustice that leads to me checking out. But I can't do that anymore! I need to somehow preserve a way to stay emotionally engaged in my work, because that's when I'm at my best, but still be able to keep some personal distance. I've been tapping on this, and I'll talk to my therapist when he's back in town this weekend, but I can't afford to check out right now. I'm going in to crunch time and I need to be in peak form. And moving forward, I work in a dirty business. Bullshit drama like this is not unusual. Advertising is full of big egos, a lot of money, and some really shitty people who do shitty things. But it's where I do my best work and where I'm happiest.
Ugh. Part of me is thrilled that I've identified this thing I can fix, and part of me is fucking annoyed that I have to do it. It's scary...I've carried this around with me for so damn long and I don't want it anymore. It feels like a heavy weight around my neck and I want it gone. And I don't know if it ever will be. I feel like I'm always going to be walking an emotional tightrope. Next weekend can't come soon enough.