I broke my husband today. He is done. He told me he feels differently about me now and he knows that will never be the same. I tried to compare my sickness to cancer to make him see that I'm working to get well but you wouldn't begrudge a cancer patient a bad day.

My mom has been the mom I've needed the past 3 months today. She has been encouraging, positive, told us we'll do Xmas day back in my hometown, screw Xmas gifts, and do just what I can. I needed that from her so much. She decorated our Xmas tree while I took a nap. She wants Mr. Haa and I go see a movie and get dinner.

Unfortunately now though my husband doesn't want to. He thinks I'm very unhappy being with him. He confessed that he only likes being with me some of the time. I tried to ask if this has been since Baby Haa but he interrupted to say "this was before you got pregnant." I begged him to not make any life changing decisions while I'm dealing with PPD and he agreed. He'll do counseling with me but thinks its a crock of shit. He told me my meds were just making me happy. That pissed me off. I am sick. It's just as valid as his dads cancer. My meds are saving my life. He admitted he doesn't understand me but doesn't seem too terribly invested in understanding.

This is why I've plastered a smile on my face and numbed myself with weed the last 5 years. When I start being selfish and putting my needs first people I love decide they don't like me. He's upset he has to tell his mom we're not doing Xmas eve at our house 2 days before. I told him to tell his family (he apparently only told them I was blue). He doesn't want to. I feel like I just fucking ruined Xmas when I was just trying to protect myself. My mom keeps telling me its one year, there will be more Xmases. I think she needs to tell my husband and his family that.

I have probably made him come across as very selfish and a bit of an asshole. But I've pushed him very far away from me the last 2 months and he has been handling the baby and our day to day life very well. I said some very cruel things in the heat of an argument that set him off. I am very much to blame as well. I told him the therapist suggested a code word he could say when I start escalating. I think it's worth a shot. He thinks it will just piss me off. I'm desperate I'll do anything at this point. I just want to fix my family.