Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

I'm in a bad spot, guys. I just feel so overwhelmed and like there's no one to turn to. Everyone I'm closest to is having a harder time than I am and I'm trying to hold it all together. We just bought this enormous house that needs to be entirely primed (all fresh plaster, so it cannot be put off) and I have surgery that will leave me essentially one-armed on Monday. I have not stopped moving and working except for when I'm at work (which is 3 12 hour days a week right now) and then I come right come and start again. It's an old house, so all kinds of problems are arising (which we anticipated). Still, I'm not sleeping because I'm anxious and feel guilty not getting things done. I'm not eating because there's no decent food around (we don't have our fridge yet. So it's almonds, maybe a brownie, and milk). I eat shitty food til like 2 and then not at all for the rest of the day. I look like shit and I am crying all the time. And our bathroom isn't shower-able yet (there's some damp plaster that we couldn't prime due to a roof leak and a bit of missing grout that I'm being a fucking perfectionist about. I'm such a fucking perfectionist and don't trust anyone to do things for me.). I do NOT deal well with pressure, and Beau, Carlos is getting impatient with me constantly being worried and accusing him of not liking me. I beat myself up for that, and for not living up to his or my expectations. And then I worry that I'm not spending enough time time with my bird and that she's gonna die. I know I'm being irrational and catastrophizing, and I'm trying to use all of the techniques I know to use to get through it. But I'm so exhausted. I want to go to my college's holiday party and look pretty and have fun tonight, but when I think about it I just cry. I keep telling myself to work work work til Monday, because then I won't be able to work, or will be able to only minimally.

Let me be clear (Obama-style): I know I am doing this to myself, folks. I love this house, I chose this house, I chose my surgery date knowing it was a week after we move, and I am INCREDIBLY lucky and fortunate. Which also makes me feel like fucking shit. I have an hour and a half til the plumber comes and I have to rush out to Home Depot looking like utter shit to get a primer I can actually pick up so that I have some chance to do anything when I'm alone. And goddammit I'm getting that shit tinted, because I cannot deal with all this white right now. My whole life feels like it's in disarray. Sorry for the rant. I don't know what I want anyone to say/do. So. Here's this awesome salamander video as a thank you for putting up with me.


ETA: Sorry to everyone for overreacting a couple weeks ago and being melodramatic. There's just a lot right now and I'm not handling things well.

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