TW for possible TMI and such
So, I have never really wanted children. I don't dislike them, but I have never had the desire to be a parent and the thought of that, coupled with being pregnant and actually giving birth, freak me the fuck out. As many of you well know through personal experience or observation, not wanting children is a condition/position most women hear quite a bit about, with increasing frequency, by the age of 30 from every Tom, Dick, and Harry and all of their respective mothers. People always tell you to "just wait, you'll see" or "you'll change your mind." Which, okay sure, maybe. Or maybe not. I'm open to the fact that I could change my mind but I am also insistent on truly listening to myself, and most of the time I do not see myself having children.
Okay, so recently though? I'm confusing myself. Because for a day or two surrounding my ovulation I will not only be more, erm, amorous, but have these fleeting thoughts of, "oh, maybe having children wouldn't be so bad...should we just try it?" It's not clear cut I want children, just a softening of abso-fucking-lutely not to should I consider this? Then it goes away and I think, no, no. No kids for me.
What DOES IT MEAN??? Is this just my "biological clock" starting to go haywire or is it possible that I might actually want children? Has anyone else experienced this? How do you know if you want children? I've never felt this way before and I'm so confused. I'm also a bit nervous to mention any of these thoughts or feelings to my husband because he's been wanting children more and more and I don't want to jerk him around or get his hopes up. (I've always been totally honest about not wanting children, so please save it if you are going to come in and tell me blah, blah, blah we should have figured this out prior to getting married. Go away. We discussed it, but sometimes people change.)