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What is my life even? (TW: sexual assault, mental illness, self harm)

I just... I don't even.

The Ex has been trying to flirt with me via text.

"Hey boo, when are you coming to get your things?

"Could you maybe come over and cuddle for 45 minutes?"

"Don't wear your perfume when you come over, I'll get too turned on."

I told him I was not his boo, I was his ex-wife and I didn't appreciate that he was doing this.

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All while this is happening Great White Buffalo (GWB) has been unloading all his shit about how hung up his in on his ex on me. And I just can't be that supportive friend he needs because I've wanted him before my ex even came into the picture. I'm just not the one to even talk to about these things. Because he knows I wanted more and always did. Why would you even do that to me? I can't bolster your self-esteem, I'm having a hard enough time keeping myself afloat here.

I really haven't talked to anyone about this, but I've had some other problems going on as well. I hung out with a friend on Friday who I used to have class with. He was like "Hey, I see you're going through a hard time, you wanna come over and smoke some hookah with me?" Little did I know that "come have hookah" meant handcuff me without permission while your two-year-old daughter is in the other room. That's awesome, I didn't already feel like a piece of shit. Thanks dude, I really appreciate you taking advantage of me along with the bruises on boobs. Much love.

I work a 36 hour weekend this weekend because I have two jobs now and I'm dreading it.

At this point, I just feel like how much more can I really stand? How many things can I handle that happen in just a span of a few weeks? I'm trying so very hard to stay in good spirits, but it seems like the universe has got it out for me right now.

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After the handcuffing incident, I started self-harming again, which is a thing I haven't done in a long time. I feel like such a loser piling on bracelets because I'm indulging in my adolescent hobby. I feel like I should've outgrown the urge to do this by now.

Before anyone says anything, I'm on a waiting list for a counselor through my university. I'm sorry to post about this, I just don't really have anyone to talk to or rant to. I guess I could report my self-harm so I would get moved up the list, but I don't really want to because I can't be hospitalized right now because I need to go to class and I can't afford to miss any work.

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I know that this all will get better eventually, I just feel like such a piece of shit right now. I'm trying to fix my life, I've come up with things I can do:

-not date for a very, very, very long time

-get back on medication

-cut ties with GWB

-work on me and what makes me happy

-finalize divorce

I've also realized that I get myself into these situations and relationships with men because I don't think I deserve any better. Also, I'm so desperate for someone to love me that I'll accept whatever fucking bozo comes my way. I know I need to work on myself and making my self happy with me before I try to get into a relationship again.

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I know all these things, but all I really want is for someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay.

I'm sorry for unloading all this on you, GT. Hopefully the next time I post it will be about something awesome or something useful.

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