Something came up in therapy yesterday that left me kind of speechless. We got talking and at one point my therapist asked me what I would tell my childhood self to help get through the sexual and emotional abuse. And after a few minutes of thinking.. I said “nothing”.
There is nothing I could give my childhood self that would make things better. When asked to describe what I myself like as a child now.. I used the word “Naive”.. because I didn’t have innocence, but I didn’t really understand how bad things were. And there isn’t anything I can think of that I’d tell child!shockwaver that wouldn’t make things worse - because if I somehow managed to open my eyes and start to understand what was going on I don’t know that I would have been able to survive looking at a decade plus before I could leave the house and get out of the situation.
Even if I could go back and tell my mom (and be sure that she’d believe me and do something) - I don’t know that it would have been better.. because I don’t know how I would have survived trying to process and deal with the things that I basically buried for 20 years until I had the resources and safety to deal with them.
I don’t know what it says that if given the chance to tell my past self something, there is no scenario I can think of that doesn’t make things worse for me. But what I do know is that the thought of that makes me profoundly sad.
What, if anything, would you tell yourself?