AL East

Toronto: You've developed a great strategy of performing at a level of mediocrity that ensures that you will never receive too much positive or negative attention.

Boston: You long for a return to failure and an ability to play up that "loveable underdogs" angle again.

New York Yankees: Go fuck yourself.

Baltimore Orioles: Your favorite baseball team is a great distraction for the fact that you live in a wretched hellhole of a city.

Tampa Bay: N/A

AL Central

Minnesota Twins: When you were a kid, all directions were uphill, there was always snow on the ground, and no one ever complained except for when they were in the presence of somewhere from a climate with a perceptible spring or summer.

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Detroit: Ever since that Chrysler Superbowl commercial, you've been practicing your "I'm a tough guy and don't need all of your high-class 'actually making things that don't suck' bullshit" attitude.

Chicago White Sox: You find it sad that people don't get as worked up about pizza styles as they used to

Cleveland: Every year, your list of "hey, our logo isn't the most racist thing in the world" gets shorter and shorter.

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Kansas City: You often wonder if you'd be better off in that alternate Stephen King universe where the Kansas City MLB franchise was the "Monarchs" and everybody died of the Superflu.

AL West

Seattle: You saw that "Mister Sparkle" episode of The Simpsons and didn't get what was supposed to be so weird about the commercial.

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Oakland: When you start feeling down on yourself, you can always say, "At least I'm not a Raiders fan."

Texas: You maintain a regularly updated database explaining why baseball is better than football, why "Dallas" is not where you live, and why next year will be better.

Los Angeles: You once left a church that questioned the theology of Angels in the Outfield.

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Houston: Your absolutely convinced that the transition to the AL has robbed you of the chance of witnessing an All-Texas World Series and are possibly the only person who feels this is a bad thing.

NL East

New York Mets: You attribute every quotation to Casey Stengel on the off chance that it's something he actually said.

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Philadelphia: You never understood why people got so upset at Eagles fans booing Santa Claus. Obviously he deserved it.

Washington: They used to say "First in war, first in peace, last in the American League," but that's not true anymore: now you're in the National League.

Atlanta: You feel like all your team really needs is to recruit a stud high school quarterback.

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Miami: You can distinguish seventeen different shades of turquoise and eleven different levels of sunglass opacity.

NL Central

Milwaukee: You always look forward to the start of baseball season, since it means only two more months of winter.

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Chicago Cubs: Red Sox fans often ask you for advice on returning their team to "permanent underdog" status, but you won't share your most valuable secret.

Pittsburgh: When you saw that picture of the ISIS guy wearing a Pirates hat, you figured he was just being punished.

Cincinnati: You like Warren Beatty, but that movie he made about your team didn't make a damn bit of sense to you.

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St. Louis: Sometimes when you're just too drunk to get home from work, Coors Field Busch Stadium is as good a place as any to sleep it off.

NL West

San Francisco: If you are reading this, it must have gotten shared to Valleywag.

Colorado Rockies: You just now got why everybody is making jokes about "Rocky Mountain High."

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Arizona Diamondbacks: You laugh scornfully at soccer players whining about having to play World Cup matches in what you'd consider to be a mild summer day.

LA Dodgers (sorry for forgetting you. This in no way is due to how forgettable this baseball team is, I just used up most of my contempt for LA hating on the Angels): You're always paranoid that Billy Crystal is lurking just behind you, ready to spring a nostalgic anecdote about Saturdays at Ebbets Field.

San Diego: When you watch baseball, you're constantly distracted by the thought that "MLB Baseball" means "Major League Baseball Baseball" and that RBIs is unnecessary, since RBI is already plural. (Okay, that's just me, but I can't think of any funny stereotypes of San Diegoans.)