The dreaded tilt table test repeat is tomorrow. You can tell that's not a picture of me, because she's smiling.

STOP SMILING; IT'S NOT FUN.

I'm pretty mad that I have to have another one of these fucking things done. This will be my third in three months, and that's straight up bullshit. The first one in this round, they sent me for the test about two hours after giving me my BP meds, so my BP wasn't appropriately low. Even though I did have a crash, that test was thrown out.

Because it was thrown out, the neurologist ordered another one. Neuro tilt tables are different from the cardiac ones, in that the goal is not to induce an episode, but to measure when I feel symptoms. They don't pump meds into your system to artificially speed your heart up. It's NOWHERE near as upsetting, despite having your eyes on the crash cart the whole time.

I had the second one done two months ago, because the first one was thrown out. I get a call from the university hospital saying they want me to do it again to make sure their readings weren't screwy. That the suckitude in results was their machine and not me.

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I have to be off my meds for 48 hours prior (as a result, I'm DROOLING right now. It's amazing) and can't have anything with caffeine, and I really want to drink some decaf right now! No decaf, no chocolate, nothing.

I'm packing a bag in case I do have a full episode, because they'll end up admitting me. Last time, just my legs gave out, and I made a lot of high-pitched whimper noises because I'm a fucking baby about this test.

I can't adopt my mother's attitude of "they're one step closer to figuring out a fix for you!" because well, probably not. It MAY decrease in severity when I get older. This MAY be how it is for the rest of my life.

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Oh, fucknuts. I just realized I am drinking green tea.

I'm dizzy, lethargic, and drooling. I'm anxious and angry. I want to cry.

Pics, gifs, jokes, and words muchly appreciated.