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Some of you probably remember me talking about how difficult my relationship with Guyden was. Well, he broke up with me — on New Years Eve, after a party. We went to couple’s therapy afterwards to figure things out and I kind of understand what happened, but at the same time... I am hurting and miss him all the time.

Now, he’s in India and I should be packing up the apartment to move. The good news: I have a place to live! The bad news: the apprenticeship I was at for nearly 6 months? They were stringing me along the entire time and never intended to hire me.

I’m exhausted.

During all of this, I was able to get my neuropsychiatric evaluation done. I’ve been diagnosed with both Autism grade 1 (what used to be called Aspergers) and ADHD combined type. Which was a surprise, because I was evaluated for ADHD in the early 90s and had a negative result (according to my parents, anyway — I’ve found out they’re not reliable narrators) and tried every single class of ADHD drug in college and had absolutely awful results.


It’s a mixed blessing — in the sense that it helps me put together the story of my life a bit better, but also that it has completely fucked up my medical care and getting the services I am entitled to is a paperwork nightmare with multiple agencies that I have to fill out forms for in my second language with little help.

Let me back up a little bit.

Healthcare in Sweden is really great if you don’t have anything weird going on. I have no problem getting into seeing a NP or doctor if I’m sick, or need something simple like acne meds. Most specialists have waiting times equal to your average HMO, and will get you in in less than three months. Some, like OBGYN, are even simpler to get into.

This is not true of psychiatry.

In Stockholm there’s kind of a weird system where you “belong” to a geographic area, but have the right to choose any clinic in the Stockholm Municipality. But you’ll be behind the folks from that geographic area in line. Making it doubly complicated is that there used to be central clinics where you could get in and then get all your doctors for various illnesses in one place. Now though, they’ve reorganised so that there’s specialty clinics for each “group” of illnesses — so you have an anxiety clinic, a personality disorder clinic, etc etc. I “belong” to an anxiety clinic outside of my geographic area, who have decided that my former diagnosis of PTSD is in remission, so they will not treat me for any other problems so they referred me to their near clinic… which has a waiting time of 4-6 months.


I’ve spent the day calling around, trying to find a place with a shorter waiting time. Because I’m falling apart now and the system has been failing me so badly for so long in every facet that I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m on sick leave for the next 2 weeks because I’m so miserable that I couldn’t “work” without sounding like a nutcase because I feel so angry and betrayed. After working late (sometimes pulling 9 or 12 hour shifts unpaid) whenever they asked, letting my schedule (which should be stable) be dictated by their staffing needs.

I’m really easily taken advantage of (and now I know why!), but I’m so angry I let this happen to me. I’m just so sad all the time and I feel like hope is slipping through my fingers.


A social worker told me I need to lean on my friends more, but I just can’t. I am a black hole vortex of misery and I don’t want to be that vulnerable around people. I don’t want to cry in front of them. I just want to hide until it’s all over.

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