Kindly denizens of GT, first, a note: I’m sorry I’m being a broken record. I am hurting though, and I know you probably want to reach through your screens and slap some sense into me. I’m getting there, I swear! This is going to be boring and rambly. But I need the catharsis.
Regarding my last post, I really thought that would be the nail in the coffin on this whole thing, but amazingly, after a frank discussion and talk—initiated by him!— (turns out he was upset about something stoopid;) we were open about what we both wanted and here’s the miracle: it was the same thing! To return to that first stage of closeness, and rekindle the intimacy and to actively cherish each other.
So. Have things changed? uhm...kinda, but not really : / In fact, I honestly cant figure out if I’m being over analytic about shit or too needy. I feel deflated when he doesn’t invite me or make plans with me anymore, but then come —the increasingly rare—”I miss you!” texts. I feel hurt that when we do actually snatch a few hours together he is neither goofy, charming or affectionate. He’s cold.
I feel like my attempts at affection are totally rebuffed. And then I feel pathetic, like a puppy clambering all over an indifferent owner, so I’ll stop, but i’m miserable. And it seems like every little thing I say or do is jumped on. But if a friend is around,I see that light hearted charming guy emerging.
He’s not open and vulnerable and humorous, so how can we flourish if he actively impedes all avenues for fostering closeness and intimacy? And why does he keep acting like an aloof asshole, but insisting that he really does want what we have? I don’t even know how to act anymore around him, which makes me feel flat and boring and then I think, urgh, no wonder he’s distancing himself.
I’m trying to stop ‘winning’ him. He is just not that into me. Whatever he might say, I just have to accept that. and I am. I’m trying to hammer that through my brain, and say, move on! ‘You can do nothing. An emotionally stunted man child cannot be the barometer of your self worth.’ and logically I know this. I know I’ve imbued him with too much magic, hoisted him onto a pedestal. It’s so pathetic.
I know rejection is just a part of life, it happens, it’s no one’s fault...
But it hurts, hurts, hurts. The rejection is so painful and I think I keep fighting because rejection feels like some confirmation of deep flaw within my being.
Well. Shake it off. I dreaddddd the heartbreak to come, but it cant be much more shitty than this.