So, as people who were on IRC yesterday are aware, I had a bit of a setback yesterday. I'd been doing pretty well, with well-managed (but still far from ideal) levels of depression and really no manic tendencies. I got put on prozac (10 mg) two weeks ago, and apart from a half hour of the shakes I experienced no change.

For me, depression comes in two flavors: anhedonic and dysphoric. Anhedonia I'd describe as my median depressive state - a lack of enjoyment of anything, including things that you know you should enjoy, and significant trouble doing even inconsequential tasks like brushing your teeth or even going and having a cigarette. It's bad, but it's not a particularly threatening state. Dysphoria is a different animal. As opposed to not feeling good about anything, I feel bad about everything. Literally everything. Past, present, future; animate persons and inanimate objects; people I lost and people I still have. It feels like an icy fist squeezing my heart, and I'm paralyzed. This rarely happens, but it happened yesterday with a vengeance.

Yesterday, at around 2:30, I had a conversation with my girlfriend about her future and possibly moving a year or two from now. Not the best subject for conversation, but it certainly didn't warrant my reaction. I went from being slightly grouchy and anhedonic to actively feeling despair, self-hatred, and doom. A sense of complete inevitability that everything would be terrible forever. I could see the self-harm thoughts rolling in on my mental horizons.

Thankfully I reacted quickly and well. I ended the conversation, I informed people at my work that I was heading out, and then I went home and had some tea. I stayed off the balcony and away from the kitchen. I rode it out, twitchingly, but by the time my girlfriend came home I was well enough to order pizza and watch some TV without completely losing it.

But if it had been any worse, I'm not sure what I've could have done. I would have been rendered completely non-functional, and that thought scares me. I feel like I need a contingency plan if (most likely when) this happens again. I can't talk to my girlfriend, because she will blame herself and can't help anyhow. I can't talk to my parents, because they will lose their minds with fear and panic. There's no one at work that I trust, and no one who lives close who I can rely on. Does anyone have any experience dealing with this situation? If so, can I ask what you did and how it worked/didn't work for you?


Disclaimer: I'm fine, no really, I'm fine, I promise. I'm getting medical and therapeutic help on a constant basis. Sometimes these things flare up.