I am surrounded by incredibly smart people at work - and sometimes I feel on par with them. Sometimes, I feel like I know what I'm doing. But other times, a lot of times, I feel like I'm so fucking behind. I feel like such a fake, like I don't belong here because I'm not smart enough or critical enough or interesting enough. (I mean, I have never felt like I was "enough," for anything. Sometimes, I honestly don't know what good I bring to this world.)
I hear about inter-departmental projects happening that I should have beenpart of, that I had actively tried to be part of, and ultimately wasn't because of x reason. Where x = lack of experience, no mentors, nobody willing to take a chance on me. Even though this project was billed as an opportunity for people like me to gain experience and get mentored and have the higher-ups take a chance.
On the one hand, I have a hard time suppressing my bitterness. I should have been part of this. I could have done such a good job. I had good ideas. Why can't I catch a break when all I want is to do good work? Why doesn't anyone see how good I can be?
Then, the Bad Thoughts creep up in my head. You weren't part of this project because you obiously weren't good enough. Everyone thinks you suck and, guess what, they're right. Who do you think you are, thinking you deserve a break? You deserve nothing. You will never make it here. Or anywhere.
I rationally, reasonably know these are Lies. I KNOW. But, man, is it ever hard to know something when the rational reasonable things feel like lies.
The Bad Thoughts are creeping up again, and I feel pathetic that I can't just...break this cycle or stop/silence them. I feel bad that I'm, I don't know, poisoning GT with this because I can't bring myself to burden my friends with it (not when they're going through objectively worse things at the moment).
I just need to muscle through today. That's all. Six hours until I get to go home. Ten more hours of pretending to myself that I only feel like a complete goddamn failure.