It took almost 4 months, but finally, my heart hurts less. Finally.
Yesterday, while on Facebook, I search a friend who has the same name as my ex, and his profile showed up on my search. His profile picture is a picture with his new gf and I, surprising myself, felt nothing.
I’ve posted about having to work with a Dood who is incompetent to teach a class. Speaking to the management pretty much yielded nothing because they don’t want to admit making a mistake and don’t want to confront him (the place is run by two people and they are also pretty incompetent). Basically, it because crystal clear to me that, as has happened before with this organization, they wanted me to clean up their mess and be able to point to me if things went wrong.
I am sick and fucking tired of being the competent person who points out shit that isn’t working then has to deal with everyone’s emotional fallout that I’m “not being nice”. Because, especially at this organization, I have seen all manner of shitty behaviour from men they employ, acting poorly and being much more aggressive than I have ever been, but essentially because I’m a woman and act professionally (i.e. there is no real “dirt” on me that they can throw in my face) I become a scapegoat.
So my new attitude is this video (thank you to whomever shared it with me I can’t find who here on GT did). I’m tired of having to hide my competence to make other less competent people feel less intimidated. I’m done. If it means I don’t work with that organization anymore, no harm no foul because it’s a hobby. I have nothing to lose.
And I realised, as I looked at that picture of my ex, that he basically expected the same thing, just in a different way. We fell in love really fast, and even though that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s easy to become blind in that kind of situation of the things about the other person that might bother you. Instead of having a real conversation with me about things that bothered him, he just shut the whole thing down because he would have to face his own insecurities and failings. It is not the first time that I have dated someone and they loved (initially) my openess and frankness about things, but then when it came to THEM, they couldn’t deal. I admit, I FB stalked his new gf and they are more “similar” than he and I ever were: they have similar jobs (food/service industry) while being underemployed for their level of education and they have the same cultural background (both Quebecois, I am french canadian but from Quebec). And she is much younger.
My devastation from the break up was two-folds: believing that he could accept me as I was and having this feeling that FINALLY after being single for so long and seeing everyone pair up that is was MY TURN. And finally having the companionship and support that comes with being in a relationship (because being single at my age is very lonely - the friends I grew up with are consumed with either their marriages and small children and they want to hang out with people who are similar, which I am not) And when that ended up not being the case, of course it was completely devastating. The whole narrative I had built up in my head of happily ever after went up in smoke in an afternoon.
It’s relieving to be in that place where you have perspective instead of upset all the time. Thanks to all of you here that supported me, I really was a place where I could always turn to when I needed some advice and love.