Welcome To The Bitchery

I'm Mr. Wolf (Wolfe?) from Pulp Fiction.

I've resolved bitchy conflicts by telling the two parties that, seriously, they're both acting like children. How to transport beer without being noticed by the cops. The way you do that-take a shoebox, but a few beers in it, add a piece of clothing to the shoebox to silence any clinking, tape said shoebox up and carry it in a shopping bag. How to pretend you're a genius by memorizing tidbits of knowledge about every subject. How to con the RA by being sweet enough for them to leave you alone. How to successfully pass a class by going to class. How you should dress when you go to a nice restaurant, which means please do not wear jeans and a beat up tank top. How to get rid of pimples, buy using Cetaphil (harsh face products will leave you with even more problems). How to get a natural look by applying the minimum amount of makeup (just use BB cream, powder, a bit of blush, and a neutral colored lipstick). For my mother: how to write a lesson plan. Quick fact: I don't hold a degree in teaching, but I've been teaching classes since high school, by basically bringing in materials and making them relatable to my mouth breathing, "advanced" classmates. And the sad part is that I end up doing this for TAs in college. For my parents: how you should charge a laptop before freaking out and running to the Genius Bar. Basically, I go step-by-step through a process and make sure someone does what I say. Yeah, give a man a fish and he won't know how to fish, but teach a man to fish and he'll fish forever, instead of you constantly giving him fish. So, I give them some fishing advice.


Sometimes I wonder why people can't figure out how to solve problems.

And, as always, I am Wonder Woman. Because I ain't got time for fools, I can fight, and Batman is my drinking buddy.

So, in the words of The Who: "Who are you? Who Who, Who Who?".

Edit: Damn, y'all are the most bomb characters!


Share This Story

Get our newsletter