Therapy tomorrow morning at 9:30am. That will be how I will be starting my week. I don't know what I'm going to do. I haven't done any of my homework and while right now my attitude is very "don't give a fuck" I worry I'll break down and be my usual hate to disappoint authority self. Then I have to go into work. A job I haven't been very invested in for the past half a year. And it's been showing. A job that just announced the company is being acquired and they have no idea what will happen with anyone's job after next summer. I've had this awful sinus pressure which has been radiating to my forehead on and off all day. I am miserable and was too stubborn to go out and by a decongestant. I have almost no vacation time left and still half a year to go. I continue to have no idea how to interact with (in real life and online) other mothers who don't have postpartum depression when they talk about parenting. The defensiveness I feel is embarrassing but yet I can't get over the shame I feel. I don't know if I ever will. I don't know how I'm supposed to and I don't know how I'm supposed to get better if I can't even do that.

It doesn't feel like I've been able to make any progress in therapy and I beat myself up over whether or not my therapist is just so terribly wrong for me I'm getting no where or if I'm just not really ready to change (aka stop using pot as a crutch to get thru my day). Probably a bit of both in reality. Big Bird continues to get some useful tips so I'm happy for that but I can't help but feel ganged up on now. Sorry to be such a bummer as always. Not much has changed so you can see why I've been slow to keep everyone updated of my every move.

tl;dr Life is pretty much static and that is not a good thing but I don't have the energy to change it.