I haven't been doing the greatest since yesterday afternoon. I'm super stressed about getting everything ready for flying with an infant to Charlotte tomorrow. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday afternoon which I was really dreading going to for some reason. Turns out I must have an intuition for this sort of thing because I cried more in that session than I have in any of the previous.
It started off with her usual asking how I was doing, I told her good, and then went into the good and the bad from the week. Apparently I was doing it again. Minimizing. She seemed to be really frustrated with me that day. She finally asks me straight out "Do you feel like I judge you?" Recap: she's youngish and a new mom also. She was concerned that maybe I wasn't being up front and honest and that I'd be more comfortable with either a man, or an older woman, or a non-parent. To my credit I was honest with her this time around but I don't think she believed me. I told her that I would feel judged no matter who I was seeing and that I really didn't think I could start over again with someone new. Cue the tears. I feel like I failed at therapy. I don't know how to make myself open up to her.
I talked about how the peep bumped her head the other day while I was watching her and that it just ate me up and I felt so guilty. Now that peep's mobile my anxiety about her hurting herself have gone thru the roof. I'm terrified these incidents are seen as a reflection of my parenting. I know that's not true. All kids hurt themselves from time to time and it's normal. That doesn't stop me from beating myself up in my head. At this point she said she was scared for me. That the thoughts I was thinking were irrational and illogical and that I was really sick for not being able to realize these voices in my head are lying to me. This of course terrified me because here I was feeling so much better but I think I'm just doing my old routine of minimizing and faking it. Cue tears part deux. She literally begged me to open up to someone, anyone in my family. I'm oscillating between being ready to give up and figure how to go through my life stoned to the gills at all times or dropping a big old honest bomb on my therapist next session. I feel like I have so much to prove but then I think what's the point?