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Oof, quarter life crisis time it seems! Sorry I haven't posted much, things have just been on the chaotic side. Hi guys!

Let's start with me not knowing what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Up until now I was set on going back to school for medical research, but now I'm questioning that. I don't have a job (more on that soon) so obviously I've been job hunting. And I keep finding myself sending my resumes to various publishing houses and magazines. So now I'm somewhat considering...going that route. I don't know! I always wanted to be an editor and I genuinely think I'd be great at it, but I also really, really fucking wanted to do medical research. I don't know what to do and I'm absolutely terrified that I'm going to make the wrong choice. Can someone older and wiser provide some guidance?

Also, yeah I don't have a job. Guys, I fucking hate this. I've been working since I'm 14! And even if I didn't have a job, I was in school. Now I don't have either and I'm losing my mind. I'm doing my best to at least do things around the house while I'm home (cleaning, running errands that are in walking distance, cooking, etc.) but I'm so bored and getting more depressed by the day. I've realized that I've legitimately gone days without taking a shower or changing my clothes. This isn't okay. My therapist is really pushing me to do something to keep myself busy, like go to museums or plays or movies. Her exact phrase was "go collect the water from puddles outside, I don't care. Just do something." She knows that as long as I'm busy, I'm okay, but I can't handle too much down time. I really want to go do something but it's...hard. It's really fucking hard to just get up and say "I'm going to a movie today." I know that sounds ridiculous but I'm sure a lot of you understand.


Then, family. Oh, isn't it always family? I've...been talking to my dad. I try to do my best to remember that he's done this before. This whole "I'm going to pop up and be a father and make up for everything" thing. Until he falls back into drugs, or moves, or just doesn't care anymore and then disappears for months again. But, I don't know. I'm actually afraid something is wrong. He went out of his way to make me his beneficiary and write a will leaving everything to me. This makes me think one of three things; he's being his usual dramatic self but is having a short moment of clarity and making sure everything's accounted for, he's actually sick this time, or my long lost brother has showed up and surprisingly my father cares enough to leave me everything (highly unlikely)*. Regardless, I think I'm going to take a trip upstate next week and see him. I'm just afraid I'll be disappointed again. I've considered writing him a letter explaining how I feel and why, but I don't know if it will really matter. You know, he's leaving me all of his money and possessions. I don't want his money. I just want my dad.

More family! My mom has four brothers, three have kids. I have five cousins in total, oldest is 19. Mom and her brothers have done a good job of wreaking havoc over the years, and in some noble attempt I've been trying to bridge the gap between me and my cousins that our parents created. However, it seems like the damage is already done and I can't fix it. The two middle cousins, 13 year old twins, don't seem receptive to me trying to talk. It's just, I look at my boyfriend and his family and they're all so, so close. His cousins and he are basically brothers and sisters and his aunts and uncles all get along. Yes they have their drama and issues as every family does, but there's love there, and to be honest I'm jealous. I thought maybe if I reached out to the twins something would happen but it didn't. It's heartbreaking, at least to me.

I'm just sad. Nothing I'm trying to do is working out the way I hope it will and I honestly don't know what to do, so I end up lying in bed rewatching Gossip Girl and smoking too many cigarettes.

Fucking life, man.

*I supposedly have a brother. Apparently my dad had a son with someone before he met my mom. Woman and child left, (supposedly) never to be heard from again. I don't know his name or anything, but he exists.

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