I seriously thought all this shit was behind me. Yet I woke up this morning feeling this profound sadness, and I have no idea why. Maybe it's the fact that I resent school starting, or because I'm looking at a very full week. I just...it's such a painful setback.
See, I was doing ok-there was a bit of trauma that came up in the past few weeks, but I put it behind me. Or brushed it under the rug, but I feel like I've come to terms with it. Or maybe I'm in denial. But overall, I was stable, I was functioning, and I was as close to happy as I could manage.
Waking up with crushing depression is like flashing back to the days before I was getting help, or when I was getting the wrong help. And it frustrates me. I have "high standards". That's not the best way to deal with stuff like this. By "high standards", I mean that whenever I get depressed, I beat myself up for "slipping". I don't know if that makes sense, but it's not a great frame of mind to have.
I'm aware of it, at least. I just don't want to "feel" or "acknowledge" it. I don't want to tell my doctors (obviously I will), because I don't want to have to do the same shit over and over again. The whole "you are entitled to your feelings", and at the same time having to "process" them.
I'm not kind to myself the majority of the time by nature. It's just something I thought I never deserved. I know, logically, that I'm brave, smart, and strong. I know that I have some amazing qualities. I know that I do go through periods of stability and depression. I just-well, it's two steps forward, three steps back.
I don't want to go to the gym, even though I really have to. I kinda want to just break down, but I know that it won't make anything better. I want to go into my little safe corner and stay very still, hoping that something won't happen.
I don't get it. I was so stoked for a lot of things coming up. I still am, but I feel empty, except for the depression. Fuck. This. Shit.
Fucking sick of it, like Tink.
Edit: Thank you so much for the kind replies and all the support. I'm feeling a bit better now-took a cat nap and reading the comments really helped.
Edit 2: Just got back from the gym, and feel so empowered! Officially out of the funk!