How do I stop myself from hating people who are having a better time at motherhood than me? I feel like such a bitter, vindictive bitch. But I can't be happy for anyone and I just want to be mean. Everything feels like an attack on me. I posted a FB status about hating sanctimommies and one of my biggest offenders commented "word. eff 'em" and I was this close from calling her out and yelling at her. And then this morning I was checking my feed and she had a status about how being a mom and being a professional had a way of making her feel like she was bad at both. And it was like oh you are human! I can't even be guiltlessly mad at people who are internet strangers and piss me off. I'm so angry at myself. I'm fine one moment, sobbing the next. Yesterday I didn't eat more than half a chicken sandwich and a string cheese until dinner. I don't remember drinking any water. I think I had a coke. My period is back (after a 3 day break before which I was bleeding for OVER THREE FUCKING WEEKS). My cold is worse. I've been avoiding pumping the last day and a half because I'm stressing about that now too. I'm not going to be producing any breast milk really soon at this rate and I'm so torn about wanting to stop and not wanting to give up. I hate this so much. I hate myself so much. Meanwhile I have the best baby in the world. She hardly cries, sleeps 11 hours at night. She is a happy baby. She was 2 and a half months old before newborn clothes were too small for her and now at barely 3 months she's getting too long for the 0-3. She's thriving! Despite having a mother who is struggling so much. I know how thankful I should be for my situation but I only see negatives. Or feel how she doesn't need me obviously. She's doing fine without me since I've been checked out the last 8 weeks. And I only see the positives of everyone else's lives, making my situation seem even worse. Everything is under this fucked up, distorted magnifying lens.
Oh look the word vomiting has commenced. Wonderful. I think I'll go watch some Real Housewives of Whatever or something. Anyone have any Netflix/Prime suggestions? Daria might be good on a day like today.