My younger brother was kicked out of his sober living place because his urine was too clean. They say he was flushing - he is claiming that it's due to his job at this super healthy salad place and drinks a lot of water all day - but they have a no tolerance policy when it comes to even suspected flushing.

I would really like to give him the benefit of the doubt but I've spent years and years and years being lied to, being manipulated, and watching him steal from all of us including my mother who is not actually his mother. His manipulation of her is perhaps the most painful. I know his addition is a disease but it's one that affects all of us. The fact that my go to position with my own brother is to doubt him makes me feel like an asshole. He is a charmer and manipulator. I've always been the one who choose to believe his lies and I was always wrong. I just don't want to do this again.

This is why I get really upset when people say shitty things about people dying from additions. My brother is not the only addict in my family and my friend died from his addiction a few years ago. It's not just "Well, shoulda kept clean!" or "Let them hit rock bottom." I've had so many experiences of thinking that he was doing really well and being totally unaware that he was using again. Hiding the addiction is part of the lifestyle for addicts so they become experts at it. You get lured into thinking they are ok and when something bad happens, you blame yourself for not realizing that it was under your nose the whole time. People who don't love an addict don't know what the constant waiting for "the call" is like. And addicts are not bad people. They aren't. It's obviously a struggle for even me with that.

I know I've been rapidly posting today but I've been just freaking the fuck out about this. He is not on the streets or anything and is with his mom.


Here is some more Ciara because I'm trying to cheer myself up and distract myself this.