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Illustration for article titled Work email euphemisms

There was a LOT of stupidity and general fuckery today at work, and it got me thinking about the specific phrases I use to maintain politeness while (I think) subtly conveying the message that I am Not Amused.

So, my favorite lentils, what are some of your email euphemisms*? So far I’ve got:

“Please confirm if I am wrong.” = I am 100% right and now you look like a moron.

“Sorry, just to clarify, <>?” = that answer was utterly unhelpful/incomprehensible so I’m just gonna take a wild guess.


“Because [ABC], please [XYZ]. Thanks in advance!” = I am literally spoon-feeding you on how to do your own job, so you will do what I say or I WILL cut you.

*This can also apply to verbal phrases, if and only if they are spoken in a fake-cheery voice with accompanying dead-eye smile.

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