Post almost mall mental breakdown-not a good look, crying in a store playing music you don’t recognize or particularly like-work has gotten, well, ok!
Not gonna lie, but the first couple of days of the week I almost broke down in tears. Not because I felt like I was in danger of being told I wasn’t good enough. Just because I had nothing to do. Due to a series of events, I literally was not given work. At work. I sat there staring at the computer, but couldn’t ‘surf the ‘net’ as the kids say. It’s a long story.
I felt like it was bad-like I was doing them a disservice by just, well, not doing anything. Guilty. That’s how I felt. Also like I was slowly going insane.
FINALLY some kind souls (probably the big boss and his big boss buddies) took pity on me and gave me stuff to do! Actual, real, stuff! PS: I do not even care if I used the Oxford Comma or whatever wrong! I COULD DO STUFF AND NOT BE A TOTAL LOSER!
BB is very cool, and a nice person. Always makes the point to talk to me, to know my name, etc. So does everyone else. It’s almost...like they want me to be there. Do you know what that’s like, to actually be useful? Or something like that? Seriously, I was in a funk for the better part of last year. Like I was a failure. Now I do stuff!
Is it the job I see myself doing for the rest of my life? Not really, but I can commit to the period I promised I would. I get that life changes, nothing is forever. For now though, I feel a bit better. If I complain, it’s only because I feel like I’m not good enough. Not because of the job. The job is what counts. The feeling of belonging somewhere, being useful, being the person who has to be accountable-that’s what counts.
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Still, though-I need new clothes. A white top and black skirt/pants can only last so long, even with accessories. Plus I have to go to the store. I’ve been living off of peanuts, almonds, coffee, and milk for the past few days. Fuck you, 8 miles from WF...which takes 50 minutes...because that’s how it is here...shakes fist at the road.
Except I did get lentils for lunch yesterday from the fancy restaurant & food place. Yay! INDEPENDENCE!
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Ok I’ll shut up now.