Hey there, how are you? I’m just sitting here on boobieguy’s sofa. We weren’t going to see each other until Saturday but then we saw each other at the end of the workday, neither had plans and it was too tempting to say no ^^
He’s practicing some songs he has to play on Saturday and I’m just sitting, chilling and worrying about other people and things in general (and working a bit). As I am won’t to do. So I thought I’d check in with you lovely people. Anything you’re worrying about? Lay down on BC’s sofa and share.
What worries me? Many things, but I’ll pick two!
1. I mentioned that I was probably going to have to cancel my skiing trip a few days ago? Although I make plenty of money, I didn’t have enough buffer money to be able to afford what it takes to go on the trip. My friends were beyond distraught to here that. So they’ve been jumping in left and right. Finding gear for me to borrow, money for me to lend. Basically trying to bring down the stars so I can come with them for the 10 days instead of staying behind. It’ll be easy to pay everything back. That is under the assumption that I’m not jobless by the time I get back from the holiday. Because my contract renewal is coming up this month! Eep! Will the choice to come along anyway be a financial death sentence for me or will I bounce back easily (since I have plenty of money coming in)
2. The thing I’m really worried about though is my roommate. Worried about him and worried for him. We’ve only been roommates for a few months and he’s slowly been opening up to me. An odd experience for him since he has never done so, because our joint friends are guys with the emotional maturity of a sponge.
He had a poor and very unhappy childhood. Part of his family ostracised him for his sexuality (not done in his culture) and he’s always had trouble connecting to people. It took most of his young adult life to get to grips with that. Sadly, he got to grips with these issues.. by using drugs. One drug gave him feelings, the other could shut it down. He had a substance abuse problem, also because the guy he lived with very much enabled it. But he’d also do it behind his back. Last monday we were talking about this and the realisation started dawning on him that he was in fact addicted to drugs. He had barely used it since we moved in together but all the mental aspects are there. The high for being ‘clean’ for the first few months, the disappointment and depression when that high goes away. The thoughts, the feelings, all of it. He realised this in part because I realise that he does. Sure he can hold a job and he has a lot of money. But I can see all the signs. I passed him a book written by my ex (a former heavy drug addict) and so much of what he read was intensely familiar to him. He took today off because he had too much trouble connecting to work yesterday. Which I wholly support. I should be there for him right now, if my stupid brain hadn’t gone “yes sure I’ll go and be happy and lovey with BG tonight!”
I’m worried for him. Because I know what a hard time he’s been having. He flushed all his drugs and deleted his contacts earlier in the month because he could sense he was getting to a dark place. I’m worried about the choices he might make soon. I know how easy it is to spiral in this phase. You need to find a purpose in life that gives you that high that you look for. To distract yourself. For him it’s been finding new jobs on the regular and lots of money and things to go with it. But he realises that it’s not sustainable and all of this is very hard for him to cope with.
I’m not entirely sure why I’m writing this but I don’t feel like I can tell my friends, who know him. He’d be mortified if I told others of what he told me in confidence, especially since he’s still working on coping. It’d be a stab in the back. I also feel awkward about going away for 10 days while he’s in this vibe (although that’ll be weeks from now). To leave him all alone without all his friends. I worry. I know I shouldn’t and it shouldn’t be my problem. But it is. It is because what he might do could have a huge impact on me. But also just because I’m worried for him and feel guilty for leaving him alone so long while I know he’s going through things.
But if I don’t go on holiday, I feel guilty towards all my other friends and deny myself a holiday. However if I don’t go I’ll be able to build a financial piggybank just in case something does go wrong with roommate. I don’t feel like there’s winning here. I feel like something is going to happen but I don’t know what. But I also realise I’m just a worrywart!
Enough about me, damn this got long! I was rambling. How are you people? :)