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Welcome To The Bitchery

Last week we discussed ranking Christmas music. Now, I don't rank the music overall, but yesterday in a thread I mentioned I have a detailed list of the 20 worst Christmas songs of all time. With high expectations for quality of sound and lyrics and low tolerance for the maudlin, sappy, and cheesy, I now inflict the list upon you. Warning: Your favorite song is probably on here. Your grandma's favorite song too. Sorry.


I split Worst Christmas Songs into two brackets: Secular Songs Terrible By Their Very Existence and Terrible Religious Songs/Songs Made Awful by Specific Musicians. ETA: Clearly this is meant to be a two-partner, but I have no idea when I'll have time to get to the second bracket.

Songs Terrible By Their Very Existence:

1. I want a hippopotamus for Christmas. No, you don't. No one actually wants death by aggressive land mammals.


2. All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. Give it time, kid. Why waste a Christmas wish on something that is probably going to happen for you anyway?

3. The Christmas Shoes. Stooooooooop playing this soooooong.

4. Last Christmas. Okay, let's talk mixed messaging. It's been a year, you say you're "twice shy" now, and are avoiding the icy-hearted person, and are going to give it to someone special, but...you'll give your heart to the heartbreaker again. Maybe? I don't understand what this has to do with Christmas?


5. Grandma got run over by a reindeer. If you ask me, Santa had nothing to do with it, and we'd all better be watching the relationship between Grandpa and Cousin Mel a little more closely.

6. Dominic the Donkey. What is this I don't even.

7. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

8. Have a holly jolly Christmas. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

9. Wonderful Christmas time. Every time I hear this song playing in a store, I feel really bad for the retail workers who must listen to it at least four times a day between October and January. I'm sorry, y'all. If I could change it for you I would.


10. Santa Claus is coming to town. You better not cry? Why? I didn't know crying got you on the naughty list. Also, way to instill a fear of Santa in your children, parents.

11. Baby, it's cold outside. Look, I want to like this song. I love the tune and the jazzy style of it. THE IMPLICATIONS OF THE LYRICS ARE SERIOUSLY WTF. Can someone do a lyrical update so I can sing it in good conscience?


ETA 12: Santa Baby. Lunchcoma reminded me of this and I can't believe I forgot it. With no offense to Eartha Kitt, it's pretty awful. My mind might be way too foul, but I see...double entendres. Everywhere.

ETA 13: Jingle Bell rock. No, let's not.

Now that I've judged the music, you can judge my list. What are your worst holiday songs that make you want to vomit?

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