Spring break baby that I am, I look forward to this time of year when the sun starts setting at a non-depressing hour and I can start planning my birthday celebration on a beach somewhere. It's also when I take annual stock of my physical fitness and either motivate or reward myself with a fun new swim suit. As such, I always look forward to the annual Victoria's Secret Swim Catalog.

Lately I've noticed that each year there are fewer and fewer items I like...or is it more and more items that I hate? Still, there have always been some solid offerings. Maybe I'm just getting old and my tastes are changing?

NO. It's now official: somebody at Victoria's Secret has lost their goddamn mind. That or are we are seriously being trolled. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE BATHING SUITS?!!

First of all let's talk about the fact that Victoria's Secret is determined to make sure you have the most fucked up tan lines ever. Now I get it, they're a lingerie company. They've always had one or two fantasy stringy things that you would probably only buy to aid some fetish fantasy on a getaway with your boo. That's fine, you're grown, it's none of my business.

But this year nearly HALF the bathing suits have random extra straps and cutouts where straps and cutouts do NOT need to be. And should not be, unless you're trying to telegraph secret messages to planes overhead with your naked body. Or participating in some new temporary body art trend?

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WHAT IS THIS SHIT???

Like, what possible advantage could this design have? What customer wrote in last year and said, "Hey, you know what I'd really like for next season? To tan no part of my décolletage below my collar bone except maybe a piece in roughly the shape of a football right above my tits."

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WAT?

What is this for? When you want to wear a crewneck t-shirt over your bathing suit but not really but also a bandeau and...just...huh??? Also the stitching is atrocious. It just made Candace Swanepoel's tits look terrible. The rest of us don't stand a chance.

But wait, there's more...don't want to make tanks and v-necks a total impossibility for the summer?

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TADA! Now you're free to tan your chest. Only your boobs aren't that happy about it. See how they're frowning? What's that? They're not frowning? It's just a pastel stormtrooper motif?

Oh okay then. Oh and here, if you like your stormtroopers a little bolder in color...

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Voila!

But wait, let's go back to this t-shirts on the beach idea for a second...

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YUM right? Totally doesn't look like preschool watercolor painting. But wait, can I get some random straps with that?

OF COURSE YOU CAN. And just for funsies we'll throw in some bottoms that make you look like you have a permanent wedgie.

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Don't want wedgie bottoms? No problem! Because this season we've decided to make several suits in a high-waisted mom jeans style. Be sure to pick the ugliest pattern possible!

BUT WAIT! I want awkward tanning with my uterus-defining swim trunks!

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OK! How about mesh? Double strap lines and a pattern guaranteed to make you look like you have a skin disorder long after you remove it. WOWEE!

How about granny panties PLUS a random boob cutout?

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SURE!

Can I get a random ass cutout too?

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SURE!

Can I get that in the same pattern as the couches on the lanai at my grandmother's nursing home in Boca?

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SURE!

But wait...just when you thought it couldn't get any better...

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BOOM. Granny panties with straps! Straps on straps on straps! AND random cutout stormtrooper tits to boot! What more could an aged spring breaker need while sunning on the gold beaches of Corellia?!

Maybe a little Boho flair?

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With straps?

YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! All the straps!

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How about we just take your favorite Vera Bradley bag and turn it into a tankini?! With a zipper! Zipper on your boobs! On the beach! What could go wrong?!

Jellyfish? Hmmm...no sweat. Might we suggest you hang 2 feet of macrame fringe on each hip? That way the jellyfish will think you're one of them and just swim on by like, "Damn that is one sexy jellyfish. Smile ma!"

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Don't forget the straps!