Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

As a non-gamer, I never really had a dog in the fight between Xbox, PS4, Wii, Nintendo, Sega, Atari, Coleco (they still have that, right?).

Until tonight.

We decided to unleash a 12 pack of some awesome beers and celebrate by playing a new game my BF got. By 'playing a game' I of course mean that he plays and I sit behind him and drink beer and yell "GO LEFT. GO LEFFFFT. WHAT WAS THAT. THAT LOOKS COOL. WHY IS THAT 'NOTHING'? IT COULD BE SOMETHING GO BACK. GOOO BACK! OH ITS NOTHING NEVER MIND GET OUT OF HERE THIS IS BORING." It's really a fun night that consists of me getting drunk and confused and my BF praying aliens would abduct me in the middle of the night or something. You know, true love.


Anwyay, we couldn't even get to playing the game. Because Xbox has decided that they need to ramp up their weird Orwellian security measures.

See, apparently Xbox thinks that 'hackers' are so determined to 'steal' my boyfriend's bullshit information from precious Xbox gold account, that he has to do a multi-step digital verification process to play online. Oh OK cool. Thanks for protecting our identity, Xbox.


But wait.

You can't just get the fucking verification code. Oh no. You think you can, but it's just not that fucking simple. It's some maddening Dickensian labyrinth verification process that is more complicated than navigating the underground tombs of the King of Atlantis blindfolded.


It's divined by a secret cabal of virgin priestess, who transport the Verification Code from the outer world to ours through a mystical portal, an unseen bridge between our world and the world of Microsoft Intenet Security. The code is guided into a secret orb and shot through a prism and projected onto the wall of ancient pyramid ruins. You have to enlist a a druid soothsayer who chants himself into a deep catatonic state, until the ancient ancestors of Microsoft XBox appear to him in a vision to finally bestow the sacred verification upon him.

Anyway after 20 minutes of getting verification codes through emails, DMs, PMs, IMs, frickin smoke signals, swearing allegiance to almighty Ba'al, Harbinger of Sorrow and Bestower of Verification codes and texts, we finally got the precious verification code!! All hail the verification code!! Yes, you are now among the anointed verified ones!! OH PRAISE BE TO BILL GATES!


So then, Microsoft sent us an email. Some spambot thank you for your business blah blah bullshit thing.

The BF didn't miss a beat, didn't bat an eye. He sent them this response:

Yes, thank you so much for your service. Can you remind me again, when does the PS4 come out?

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