Earlier this week, I had a bit of an epiphany about my ex-boyfriend, and a whole lotta stuff made sense.
Last summer, all of Groupthink was pretty amazing getting me through a really terrible breakup. And for a long time, I struggled to figure out what the hell happened. My ex isn’t a bad person and thing were seemingly going well until shit hit the fan for me back in May. He pretty much just up and left because “it was too stressful for him”, even though 2 weeks prior he had given me a big hug and told me how he would be there for me during that time.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in life is that shit doesn’t just happen out of nowhere, there are always signs in past behaviour and choices that predict or explain current behaviour. In my ex’s case? Dude was all talk and no game.
Basically, he would always aim high and when shit got hard (as it ALWAYS does when you aim high) he would bail.
A few examples:
- he trained as a chef. He initially went to the a prestigious hospitality school in the province. He quit after one year because “the teachers didn’t care”...also, one his advisors brought him into his office and told him that he didn’t have what it takes. So he quit and when to a much less prestigious school to get his certification. He had one year left, but he decided to re-start from scratch somewhere easier and have to do the whole 2 years again.
- Chefs routinely do internships in order to get training. In his mid-twenties, he got himself an internship in Spain and at a Michelin star restaurant for 6 months. He lasted two. Granted, working in these kinds of kitchens is brutal. That’s usually why people only do it for a short period of time.
- He had a few jobs in restaurants cooking and always quit within 6 months,
Eventually, he ended up working at a hospital in the kitchen, but not as a cook (since it takes 10 years to get those jobs due to seniority/people retiring). But as a dishwasher and then maintaining the large kitchen equipement. The pay is and hours are better than in a restaurant, but the work itself is pretty boring because you’re just making large amounts of bland food. He had been there for about 10 years when I met him and he was unsatisfied and he decided to go back to school to get a bachelor’s degree in hospitality management.
One of his reasons for us breaking up and why he couldn’t “deal with my stress” was that he would be going back to school and it would all be “too much”...
So the guy has a history of giving up when things get hard, even though there’s an end in sight (school wasn’t going to be forever and neither was his internship). The guy never stuck things through when things got hard and always blamed the institution or the work environment. It was only when things were easy that he was able to stay for a long period of time, even though he was unsatisfied and the future looked bleak. But that’s because, as anyone knows, usually there’s hard work for things that are fulfilling. Granted, the reality of being a chef is no joke, but there were many other kinds of jobs that he could have gotten that would have been better than the hospital.
I have a sneaking suspicion that he will not get his bachelor’s degree. Also, his new girlfriend, I’ve heard through the grapevine, is nice, although pretty meek and quiet, awkward and much younger. I am none of those things. She is “easier” (hahahahahah, jokes on him when she turns out to be fully human being with feelings and shit).
In anycase, even though he’s not a bad dude, it was nice to be able to see this pattern of him giving up. As many of you said at the time of the breakup (to paraphrase): “when these kinds of things happen, it is rarely about you and all about him and his issues”.
Now that I’ve finally been able to see that, it feels easier to move on.
(Note: I’ve also been looking at my own stuff in relation to our relationship and the breakup, and there were certainly aspects of my own emotional baggage that did not help and contributed and made us ultimately incompatible but those revelations (because they are also useful) are for another post)