I’m watching on the BBC for Graham Norton’s catty commentary, but there should be a livestream available . . . ? Okay, I’m totally half-assed liveblogging /GT Tweet Beating this.

https://www.liveonlinetvstream.com/eurovisionsongcontest2017/

So far, I like Armenia and the Netherlands.

ETA1: It’s pretty low-key so far for Eurovision.

ETA2:

Italy in impeccable taste, doing a song about equality with five (white) people and a dancing gorilla. *facepalm*

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ETA3:

Okay, I really like Portugal’s song, sweet and a lovely melody . . . but no air violin!also,

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Azerbaijan: Skeletons? Guy wearing a horse head? This is actually a strangely acceptable song!

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Croatia: Okay, singing a duet with yourself. Impressive but weird. Man’s got pipes.

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Australia has a guest membership to the club this year: This kid is such a kid!

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Greece: Is that an earring or a fancy monitor? This is going to bother me.

Okay, Graham norton wasn’t kidding about two half naked men splashing around in a paddling pool.

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Spain: Hair.

Hawaiian shirts.

Hair.

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Norway: Strangely catchy. “I’m gonna kill that voice in my head” .

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UK: Her voice is nice enough, but I’m bored.

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Cyprus: Nasal and pitchy.

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Romania: Rap meets yodeling. Strangely, it works! How is a mixup of rap and yodeling not crap? I am confused!

And here come the cannons. Yap plus yodeling plus cannons.

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Germany: She sounds a bit . . .wait . . . is this Lena again? Okay, no. It’s a girl that looks and sounds a lot like Lena who’s name is Levina. Are Germany in a bit of a rut?

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Ukraine: The first Eurovision I ever watched, Ukraine won with “Wild Dancers” and half the fun of watching was counting the nip slips throughout the contest. There hasn’t been danger of a single nip slip for a few years now, and there’s a big head with glowing eyes on stage right now. That’s about all I have to say for Ukraine.

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Here was Ukraine’s winning 2004 entry:

Belgium: Pretty low energy performance so far. Not bad . . . she has a nice depth to her tone but . . . It’s nice. It’s not a Eurovision song.

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Sweden: Slick as all get out, and rocking the treadmills. The most diverse group yet. There are actually people of different skin tones on stage.

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Bulgaria: the Bulgarian Justin Bieber. Kids these days!

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France: I was about to say stolidly Francophone as usual, but then suddenly she started singing in English too! I like her voice, but I don’t think I’d remember the song.

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AND NOW VERKA SERDUCHKA IS ON STAGE!!!!!! Just to announce that voting is open, but the memories!

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And guess who they have for the interval show? Ruslana!

With the walking dead as backup dancers by the looks of it. And apparently I’m not the only one who thinks so:

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OMGOMGOMG A guy wrapped in an Australian flag just jumped up on stage and mooned the camera while last year’s winner was performing her song!

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And with that, Australia were never invited back.

In a surprise announcement, it looks like Israel will never be back either.

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Portugal is running away with the judges’ votes. It may change with the phone votes, but it’s a lead that will b hard to catch up to. And for a break Verka is working the audience!

And Portugal wins the Eurovision for the first time ever with a sweet, melodic ballad! He looks absolutely stunned.