I've just finished a bottle of White Zinfandel (aka. Wine Candy) and I need to talk to you guys about the pink melted processed cheese that's on my fingers.

You know what they don't warn you about when you buy a half-off gel nails set on Boxing Day? That if you're crazy shitty at applying nail polish, to the point where it looks like you did it blindfolded and slightly drunk, that you should definitely not buy a machine that cooks said nail polish onto your fingers.

Plus this pink that came with the set is some serious Long Island mob wife shit. Also my pinky in this photo looks like I've just rubbed tobacco straight onto that finger for years. I have no idea what that is.

But for real. Gel nails — only for professionals. Do not buy this shit. Cat is hair constantly attracted to it and I know for sure I missed at least one step. Because there are at least 20. Because this is balls.

ETA: You know what else is balls? Compost. There are so many flies in my apartment right now it looks like I'm concealing a dead body.