First off, there is something very 80s about this movie and I don’t know what it is. It feels incredibly dated. Is Jamie Dornan acting in completely different movie than everyone else is? He’s scary and there’s nothing about his intensity that reads as sexy. At all. Even Patrick Bateman comes off as more human than Christian Grey. Jamie Dornan looks like he’s being made to rake up wet leaves in all of these sex scenes, like it’s absolutely sucking the life out of him to be sexy.

I much prefer Secretary, at least all of the characters in that movie seemed to be reading from the same script and were equally offbeat. And James Spader didn’t come off as 100% creepy stalker. Think about that, James Spader is the less creepy option. I feel like I have to watch it after this to cleanse myself of this movie.

ETA: I just got to the texting scene. He bought her a new computer and a new car without her permission, but he’s letting her walk around with that old ass flip phone? My god, man, at least be consistent.