and I am not even sorry.

Listen, I know it is fun to hate on the Winter Olympics. The summer Olympics are "a majesty of sport" and the winter Olympics are just "48 different kinds of sliding". I get it. I have heard it all before. People have been treating the winter Olympics like the the chubbier little sister my whole life. But this year I am drawing the line, I say no more!

What is not to like about the Winter Olympics? Sure we have a bunch of different kinds of skating, but is that really any worse than watching the endless onslaught of running events? I don't know about you, but I don't enjoy watching people hyperventilate in the burning heat while trying to recreate what it would still be like if we still had to avoid being food on a daily basis. Skaters race each other at super human speeds and they look majestic as fuck while doing it.


Look how ridiculously cool that guy looks. Everyone is super photogenic guy at the Winter Olympics.

I feel like the Winter Olympics gets a lot of hate for being "too girly". Now obviously I don't have to tell you that this is sexist garbage, but I am going to anyway. Because this my friends is a sanctimonious rant in the long storied tradition of sanctimonious rants, and I believe there is something to be said for tradition. So here we go:

Girly? Girly my ass. We all know what sport people are complaining about here: Hockey Figure Skating. Just because it tends to emphasize style over brute force it is relegated to second class status. So I ask you this Winter Olympics haters: Have you ever tried figure skating? It is incredibly difficult. Not only do you have to complete difficult gymnastic exercises while sliding on ice, but you have to look good while doing it. And sometimes you have to do while being thrown around or carrying someone above your head. Don't believe me? Ask certified badass, Surya Bonaly, who is the only figure skate to ever complete a one bladed back flip in competition.



And figure skating is just one of the many ridiculous feats of skill that will be on display this February. You say the summer Olympics has swimming? That's nice. We have people flying off of mountains (even our scenery is better). You have triathlons you say? Oh my, well that does sound pretty impressive - until I remember that we have skeleton, which is bobsledding (a already bad ass sport) without the sled casing. These people can hit 5gs of force face first. Oh what's that? You say you only watch ping pong so that you can laugh it it ironically? We even have better ridiculous hipster sports than you. You have Olympic sweeping.*

*although to be fair competing in either of those sports still requires a lot more athleticism than I will ever posses.


Now obviously a lot of the hate for this Olympics is coming from the fact that Sochi officials have planned this with all the depth in accuracy of an 8th grader who made their science fair diorama in the car on the ride over. But, to be fair, host cities have fucked up in the past, no matter the season.

So I think it is time that we realize the Winter Olympics are just as good (if not better) than their warmer counterpart. I know I will be glued in front of my TV tonight watching our athletes go for the gold. Who is with me?