BREAKING NEWS! Brought to you today courtesy of all of my best research sources, via my Facebook feed*, are the latest and greatest, non ironic Ebola updates!

I think we all know that when a government agency has a set policy for something, it automatically means that we are all going to die of it! So please read the following posted article on how to survive.

According to this, not only ebola, but a whole plethora of plagues are coming our way! Including the plague! So you'd better get prepared, guys! How do you prepare?

Recommendations include quarantining family members on a shed on the outskirts of your property (sorry apartment and city dwellers, you're screwed - but you should have known that, living in modern day versions of Sodom and Gomorrah).

Worst case scenario: You read this warning, you do nothing, and then the outbreak occurs. You realize that the prepper folks aren't so crazy after all. But by then, it will be too late to stock up.

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That's right. As you're oozing your life blood out through your bloody diarrhea, your last muttered breaths will be "the preppers...were....right" (dramatic head roll, death).

The site does give some hope, as in:

Hopefully, fears of a possible Ebola pandemic are exaggerated and being fanned by a government with an agenda and greedy pharmaceutical companies.

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Sometimes it's very difficult to know the truth when there are so many paranoid theories to believe!

But STOP THE PRESSES.

We have just received reports that many victims of ebola are... coming back from the dead! That's right - ebola zombies. Will not even dead save us from this horrible plague?

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Some people have doubted the veracity of this zombie claim, so I will bring in two experts directly from my Facebook sources to weigh in on the debate.

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So there you have it. We are left with only hope that the gays and women have been behaving enough that God will spare the rest of us.

So this has been your Ebola news update center! This is Violet Baudelaire, signing off from an undisclosed location because I don't need your commie ebola germs!

*All quoted articles and screenshots were taken from genuinely concerned and believing people on my Facebook feed.