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I have to live vicariously through you, since I no longer visit haunted houses. See below to understand why.

At age 6: Our local high school puts on a haunted house at the elementary school as a fundraiser. High schools students design and run the thing.

Skeletor (a probably 15-year-old kid) hops from behind a curtain into my, then 6-year-old, face. Without hesitation, I smash my fist into Skeletor's face, giving the poor high schooler a bloody nose.

At age 20: I'm talked into going to another haunted house fundraiser by a good friend. I agree, if I can follow her and hold onto her hips. She agrees.

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She regrets this when we enter a pitch black room where we have to find our way out while employees grab at us. I start shaking her, yelling, "GO, GO, GOOOOO!!!"

She yells back, "I can't find the door!"

In my panic, I slam her into the wall, back and forth across some wall we can't see, till we find the door. She leaves with bruised ribs.

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At age 30: HomeyHeart talks me into trying a haunted house one more time, despite witnessing the assault on my friend the decade before.

While waiting in line, we see a 4-year-old kid come out of the attraction crying... This is a bad sign.

About 3/4 through the attraction, thinking he's cute, Homey hides behind a curtain and jumps out at me. It happens to be at a really terrifying moment in the attraction. I pummel his arm while yelling, "You jerk!!"

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As we are about to leave the attraction, an employee dressed as Igor jumps out for one last scare. Igor recoils, hands up, yelling "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" when he sees me cock back my fist.

So, there you have it: I can no longer visit haunted houses. It's a safety issue, people!

What about you? Do you go every year? Have you only gone once and never again?