Welcome To The Bitchery

Your morning OKCupid Post

Hello GT! Once again, I am here to bring you some of the gems from my OKC inbox. This was a great week for douchebags and losers. Prepare to be amazed!

This one is just um...rude? I mean, I don't really understand. Is he trolling me? Just so you understand the context- I have a line in my profile about all the hot guys on OKC climbing mountains and wondering if I too should be climbing mountains.

Yes, climbing mountains would definitely give you a leg up. Judging by your profile... if I'm going to listen to you blather on all day its going to require a lot of endorphins and pastoral serenity.

Advertisement

WTF, right?

This one is just plain LOL. I wonder how often he uses this same line.

hi, so i have a question... so since when does this site have models?

And THIS ONE. Omg guys. THIS ONE is soooo good. Sooooo long. Sooooo nutty. Behold!

Hey you! We've Hey you! We checked each other's profiles in the past and holy shit we've ! Hold on... have to calm down... Ice down the nipples... Try again...

Hello! I like a beautiful, intelligent, hilarious woman like yourself... UNUSUAL I KNOW. Most guys prefer ugly, dumb women w/ no sense of humor. Or settle for them anyways. I prefer a woman who can recite Pi to the 14th decimal place WHILE she comes on my big...

SHIT!

I said too much huh? ALWAYS letting stuff like that slip out! Let me try again:

Hello. :) Nice to meet you. I'm Faz. *kisses your hand in a COMPLETELY subtle and non-creepy way* I very rarely message women on here because I tend to ramble, and usually I get back "You seem like a really awesome guy but I don't know how to reply to all that!" So I try to cut back my messages to something short... which of course makes me seem the same as all these other schlubs.

Which I'm not.

So now I'm aiming for long, but somehow still succinct.

Which isn't going to work in your case because you appear to be way too awesome for me to fudge it.

I'm a little jealous. I feel like since I'm the guy (and therefore the one pursuing) and I don't want women to think I'm batshit crazy, I can SAY I like edgy/fucked up/self deprecating humor in my profile, but I can't actually put it IN there. If you're a beautiful girl like yourself w/ killer, gorgeous blue eyes, you can put that you like fisting midgets on stage and using them as ventriloquist dummies in your increasingly popular open-mic night talent act. That kind of shit just makes me want you more. So bravo! You are hilarious. So rare. I sweat that, hard. (can we bring back that 90's slang word? Come on, get on board) I also sweat that you love short skirts/boots, talk radio and Colin Quinn. (saw him front row at the comedy connex years ago) I couldn't help but read all 12 pages of your "answers with explanations".
Love it. :)

Let me sing to you. And let me take you out. And lets find that all night dance party. And let me make an origami swan for you. And let me learn how to make an origami swan. Not in that order.

Yup. It was a great week indeed. Share yours!

Share This Story