Quoth my mother regarding sexual assault victims.

I am a survivor of sexual assault.

This is what went on inside my head when she said it:

Of course, I didn't actually say it, I just tried to explain that referring to survivors of sexual assault as "damaged goods" or "ruined" is NOT OKAY.

To be quite honest, if she wasn't related to me and popped off at the mouth with this bullshit, I might have slapped her. To be honest, I did think about slapping her, just to get my point across.

My mother has all the tact and nuance of a rock-salt enema. I just cannot deal with this level of verbal diarrhea this early in the morning.

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Somebody send a cat, or Tom Hiddleston, or Tom Hiddleston holding a cat, PLEASE.