Or; In which I write a lot like Doug Barry.

So you know how sometimes you drink vodka and fruit punch stuff (what, no? try it, it's super classy when you make it with storebrand crystal light dust - half lemonade, half fruit punch) when you haven't had any alcohol in a while and WHAM you're shitfaced? Me, last night. It wasn't pretty. (Actually, I was pretty pretty if I do say, it was the stumbling and REALLY FUCKING LOUD that wasn't. Anyway, at least I didn't yell at my husband, which usually happens when I get stupid drunk - that's why it's called stupid drunk. So success?) Let me warn you, you will NOT taste the vodka. Even a little.

Today, I pay. Steak-Um's with cheese and mustard helped. Alcohol-free fruit punch stuff helped some more. Coffee, not so much. Next will be a hair of the dog chaser.

But this isn't all about the hangover, it's actually about what a weird Mother's Day this is for me - I've been one, a mom, for the better part of 22 years, and for the first time my eldest can't call (he's at Navy boot camp, day five, so no contact allowed - he left the day after my birthday), my 2nd left straight from college to go help nurse my stepdad through a broken ankle (they recently moved into a treacherous multi-level death house - they call it their Dream House - HA), and holy crap, my "baby" is about to turn 16 in a few days and I still haven't taught the poor thing to drive.

I know you're out there, you other Olds. Not you wannabe olds, not you with your 28 year old "I'm ollllllddddd" angst, but those of you that thought The Change was on you, only to wake up to The White Sheet Massacre in your pants. Those of you who realize that holy shit, it does get better... then sometimes it gets so wtf you don't even know what to say about anything.

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So that's today... in which I write a lot like Doug Barry, but I'm not even trying to pretend there's a point or sage wisdom, or anything of the sort. Just 43 years, scattered kids giving me a hint of what it's really like to have your kids grow up (when they're in college they're kind of not grown up at all), hangovers and fucked up reproductive tracts, all encapsulated perfectly with one sloth gif.

In short, try the half lemonade/half fruit punch storebrand crystal light as a mixer.. at your peril.