Every once in a while, I catch myself thinking about the life I wanted but am not living. This evening's posts have my heart feeling heavy over things I will never have. I would be a married homeowner. I would be a mother of twins...
I don't know why all this talk tonight of baby names and pregnancy tests and such are bringing these things up again. I haven't thought of them in a while. It has taken me a long time to get to a point where I understand that the life I dreamt of when I was growing up is not the life I will ever live. I was not married at 25. I won't have 5 kids. I will do other awesome things that I would not have been able to, if I'd had 5 kids. I will travel. I will change cities and jobs as I see fit, without consulting anyone. I will pee with the door open. I am not a warm person and would make a terrifying mother, to the people around me. My kids would have gotten my soft side, though, and they would have known my heart. But they won't ever exist, and that's what's making me sad.
Sorry. I had to type all this out just to understand it. Can anyone else relate? I am genuinely happy for everyone else and their big life changes and great name choices—even the outlandish, uniquely-awesome ones—but I'm finding it harder to read these posts as I go. I occasionally catch myself thinking that I've failed them by failing to create them. That's messed up, right? They don't exist, so how can I have failed them? It's a strange feeling, this guilt over actual nothing. Please tell me someone else has felt this.
Perhaps the most strange is getting to the point in life where you've made definitive choices, that there is no changing. There's no going back. Options are now closed. Hard to comprehend, when it starts, but you have to, and fast.
Also, why would you mainpage this? No idea, but if you get the urge, please don't.